tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9212565565170685016.post4948033771060885645..comments2023-08-15T13:31:41.188+02:00Comments on I Like Chocolate, He Likes Vanilla: Grief and SexAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10909876776316348414noreply@blogger.comBlogger14125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9212565565170685016.post-50147239255392688512013-04-07T23:11:46.331+02:002013-04-07T23:11:46.331+02:00When my father was sick last year, my libido went ...When my father was sick last year, my libido went into overdrive. We were also moving into a new home, and our finances were taking a big hit with both situations going on. But because sex for me was the complete opposite of anything that was going on, I wanted more of it. Just for those moments have my brain blank of everything. But my husband couldn't handle all of it. Thankfully, we had our agreement in place. When my father passed, it hurt, but it was something that I knew was coming. About two months afterward, I began taking lovers to satiate my growing sexual appetite. I feel that the grief of my father's passing began accelerated the urge; but he was also the only person who I cared about knowing my indiscretions. With him at peace, I didn't feel guilty talking or fucking other men (my husband gave me full permission), and what may have started as a way to grieve led me a new wave of experiences I can't see myself regretting. I'm not self-destructing; I am the happiest I've been in a long time. I have never been able to express this, so I am glad to have found your blog with a topic that is so closely hidden in my heart. xxxAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9212565565170685016.post-24281564673156640492013-03-20T06:16:53.326+01:002013-03-20T06:16:53.326+01:00Thank you for normalizing this grief response! I w...Thank you for normalizing this grief response! I was drawn to your article because I also become hypersexual (more so than I already am) when I'm grieving--often during a breakup but also due to other types of loss. About four months ago, a male friend of mine was going through a breakup and also felt incredibly horny, which I was able to explain to him was a manifestation of grief. I spoke with a friend who is working on her graduate studies in counseling, and she told me that any type of way we express ourselves energetically may manifest more severely when we're grieving, and because I am a very sexual person, it wouldn't be unusual for me to become more sexual in those kinds of circumstances. Sex is a big part of our life force, it makes us feel good--why wouldn't we desire it when we're suffering? Nuala MacMoraghhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17250373782851551571noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9212565565170685016.post-71260467208528683372013-03-18T21:12:22.378+01:002013-03-18T21:12:22.378+01:00I agree. I recently lost someone close to me, and ...I agree. I recently lost someone close to me, and some people tried to make me feel guilty that my sex drive hadn't diminished. But I don't know, sex is soothing.SexyLittleIdeashttp://sexylittleideas.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9212565565170685016.post-3187966427540094432013-03-17T18:57:35.426+01:002013-03-17T18:57:35.426+01:00Such an intense topic...and one that could use som...Such an intense topic...and one that could use some discussion. I agree...that we all express and deal with our grief differently. While I usually go the way of the mainstream here and lose my libido in times of grief or stress, I have had those moments when the escape and comfort of sex transports me away from the intensity of those other more negative feelings.<br />Thanks for writing about this.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15831717334292672743noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9212565565170685016.post-11250222013623426002013-03-17T15:20:51.695+01:002013-03-17T15:20:51.695+01:00Thank you, this was so touching, and very brave of...Thank you, this was so touching, and very brave of you to be so honest.<br />Everyone has 'coping mechanisms' when they suffer emotional turmoil. You are quite right, as long as this isn't destructive then there shouldn't be a problem, the brain copes with these things the best way it can. I think it's healthier to look for an escape where you feel safe and loved in the D/s side of your relationship. Other people may turn to more destructive behaviour, such as drinking, or unsafe sex. You should not be ashamed of this and bravo for sharing something so intimate.<br /><br />Mia xAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9212565565170685016.post-86495728294207234822013-03-10T21:10:04.046+01:002013-03-10T21:10:04.046+01:00This is a beautiful and touching post. Although th...This is a beautiful and touching post. Although this has not been my own reaction in the past, it makes perfect sense that it would give you the mental release from the grief that you feel, and perhaps allow you to face the grief from a stronger place afterward.Jadehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15724557743167756528noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9212565565170685016.post-91128266345549393232013-02-24T12:49:36.743+01:002013-02-24T12:49:36.743+01:00Hugs gratefully accepted.
Sex is exactly that, a ...Hugs gratefully accepted.<br /><br />Sex is exactly that, a break. I can get a semi-break from other things. I love puzzling and handicrafts, but I have to do something else at the same time (watch DVDs, listen to the radio), to fully quell my mind. Normally I don't mind, but at times like this it sucks. <br /><br />Thanks for your kind words, fab as always! (Also, I love how nerdy you were with the "[p]".) <br /><br />Hugs,<br /><br />EmilyAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10909876776316348414noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9212565565170685016.post-9105474999203861132013-02-23T14:38:25.412+01:002013-02-23T14:38:25.412+01:00i'm so sorry for your loss. *offers love and h...i'm so sorry for your loss. *offers love and hugs*<br /><br />Thank you for sharing this; i too am someone who tends to react to various overwhelming emotions with a desire for sex. i find it can offer me a release that nothing else can. i'm someone whose mind is constantly active, and i'm not e.g. a big drinker; but sex can reduce my rumination at least temporarily, and give me a break.<br /><br />i very much agree with you: there are many different ways people cope with, and process, grief; and unless a given response involves more than simply upsetting someone's sensibilities, "[p]erforming sexual acts while grieving should not be something to be ashamed of".<br /><br /><br />Alexis / @flexibeast.Alexishttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12882389908764509954noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9212565565170685016.post-60165068839322254762013-02-23T11:56:55.046+01:002013-02-23T11:56:55.046+01:00Thanks Rebel, it really is all about working throu...Thanks Rebel, it really is all about working through grief and the letting all the emotions come out when they need to and not constantly trying to be "strong". Strength is accepting yourself and your feelings. <br /><br />Thanks for the hugs!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10909876776316348414noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9212565565170685016.post-51930713899487227232013-02-23T11:54:42.018+01:002013-02-23T11:54:42.018+01:00Your post made me cry, both because of your kind w...Your post made me cry, both because of your kind words and in empathy. Thank you for sharing your story. It makes me feel sad for you but also very grateful that I have my husband and also that I got rid of my crap therapist before he became destructive (there is a post on this blog somewhere about that). <br /><br />I hope you have been able to work through the grieving process and have found some inner calm again. I know it will still take me a long time, but I know that it will happen because of the support I have.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10909876776316348414noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9212565565170685016.post-88188097858762273732013-02-23T11:40:29.327+01:002013-02-23T11:40:29.327+01:00Living so close to the house must have been diffic...Living so close to the house must have been difficult. I cannot imagine.<br /><br />Thank you for your kind words and for sharing your own story. It means a great deal to me.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10909876776316348414noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9212565565170685016.post-91223836836858336912013-02-22T19:49:48.495+01:002013-02-22T19:49:48.495+01:00Many years ago, a very good friend of mine died of...Many years ago, a very good friend of mine died of AIDS. He was back in South Africa at the time of his death. We heard about it roundabout 3am in the morning. My first reaction was sadness. I cried a lot. Within the hour we were making love. I was incredibly horny and just had to have sex. I felt ashamed afterward but when I spoke to someone about it, she said she had heard about it more. Apparently with some people it's a natural reaction, because you want to feel that you are alive. I never thought about it again, until my mother-in-law died almost two years ago. I had exactly the same reaction.<br /><br />Just go with all your emotions hun. What you are going through is terrible. Allow all the emotions and work through your grief. It will get better.<br /><br />Sending you lots of love and hugs!<br /><br />Rebel xoxMarie Rebellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06672279000623986382noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9212565565170685016.post-73669467915199162452013-02-22T16:56:28.515+01:002013-02-22T16:56:28.515+01:00I also clung to sex as a solution to get my brain ...I also clung to sex as a solution to get my brain to quiet for just a moment. I needed those rare moments of sanity. Sadly my lover of the time didn't respond well, his words were: "I'd rather you drink or do drugs like your sister than touch you." He was in mourning too, but it was my family member and I needed his support. In therapy, I was called a sex addict for wanting the comfort of another human being, even though I did not seek out others, even though I was still functioning in spite of this horrible denial, lack of support from anyone else (even my long term lover), and being hit with grief for someone so close to me who died in my arms unexpectedly. <br />Those were dark days. I sought out an addiction counselor, believing the therapist. The addiction specialist called the therapist wrong, helped me see what I wanted was normal and not dangerous. She helped me get a new, supportive therapist to help me cope with PTSD. I eventually left that lover, after making sure that it was not a grief-ridden decision, waited a year and tried to stay in love. To be so mean and cruel, constantly, while I was in mourning was beyond forgiveness. I deserve better. <br />It still amazes me how people see wanting to be intimate, to have the brief intermissions of quiet and love and physical release, as something negative if it's done with grief. I am glad you posted about this, and know that the research that is out there, the people that may not understand, are wrong. Only you know what you need, only you can find that unique solution to dealing with your own grief. As long as no one is hurt, as long as you function and carry on, you are doing an amazing job and will get through this. I am grateful that your husband is supportive, that the two of you found that compromise of what you both need, to help each other through this. I would be lying if I said that I wasn't envious. cammies on the floorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16586868507532830934noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9212565565170685016.post-41125851758514936712013-02-22T15:09:46.878+01:002013-02-22T15:09:46.878+01:00When my mother passed away sex with my husband was...When my mother passed away sex with my husband was what I clung to. It enabled me to feel something other than the shock of her being gone. I might add she lived 20 feet from us so the constant view of her house was heart wrenching. Despite having 3 sisters this connection with my husband was my most important because like me he had been intimately involved in caring for my mom with me for the last 5 years. Something my sisters never had time for. So I don't think sex is a bad thing at all during grief. I think it gives us the ability to release so many emotions we may keep bottled simply because we have to be strong for everyone else. Angelwithatwisthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16617096750132900242noreply@blogger.com