Sunday, 30 September 2012


Two hours ago I woke to the sound of church bells and my husband kissing me. The next thing I knew, Nic had his cock in my hand and was using me as a sex toy. I was not permitted to move. He fucked my hand until he came. I have not been told I can play and I have not asked for permission. I don't think he realizes that I am denying myself, but orgasm self-denial is something I adore. He is going out soon and I may find a way to meet some of my kinkier needs with the exquisite knowledge that today my husband has used me.

Sinful Sunday

Friday, 28 September 2012

Relationship Wheel

One of the reasons my husband and I were able to recover from my cheating, move onto the open marriage path and go from having virtually no (and mediocre) sex to fabulous sex was because we explored how we looked at ourselves as individuals and our relationship. One of the things we did was to work through the exercises in Love Unlimited, a book by Leonie Linssen and Stephan Wik. For Nic and I the most helpful exercise in the book is the “Relationship Wheel.”

The Relationship Wheel is a way of looking at what a specific relationship means for you. If your partner/s also create a Relationship Wheel, it can show up differences and similarities between your attitudes to your relationship. This can reinforce positive opinions, build confidence in your relationship, and help to resolve conflicts bought on by misunderstandings. To create a Relationship Wheel, you might consider thinking about the significance of ten categories and how important they are in your relationship:

  • Emotional
  • Physical (nonsexual and/or sexual)
  • Recreational
  • Economic
  • Family
  • Spiritual
  • Intellectual
  • Passionate (not erotic passion, but sharing a passion i.e. for gender equality, social justice)
  • Cultural
  • Esthetic (sense of beauty, i.e. art and design)

The thing to remember about relationships is that they change, so when you, your partner, or your situation changes so will the wheel, it is never fixed. When I first completed the wheel for my relationship with Nic (about 15 months ago), this is what I came up with:

Nic also completed the wheel. He didn’t feel the economic connection to me (he was the higher earner, so it was less relevant), nor the esthetic connection (interior decorating seemed to be less important to him, *sigh*). But, everything else matched almost exactly! We even had the same difficulty with expressing how important the physical aspect of our relationship was for us. We had already been seeing a sex therapist for about two years at this point and we had all manner of difficulties, but the physical contact we did have was very important for both of us, particularly hugs and snuggles.

This is where Relationship Wheels become really helpful for people in multiple relationships. Although, at the time, sex was not how I felt connected to my husband, sex in and of itself was very important for me. By showing Nic that sex had nothing to do with why I loved him and why I enjoyed being with him, I was able to explain more easily that my need for sex was not to do with him. My need for sex is a deep part of my psyche and, while it would have been wonderful to have great sex with my husband, that was not why I was with him.

Through the Relationship Wheel we were able to openly discuss this while knowing how wonderfully matched as a pair we are in nearly all ways. Relationship Wheels helped me explain how there is space for me to have certain needs met elsewhere.

As an example of how Relationship Wheels work for different people, here is a wheel I created for my relationship with James, my play-partner/boyfriend until recently. Our relationship changed a lot and often, but this is a fair summary of how I viewed it as a whole.
My wheels for Nic and James are totally different. More than that, whereas Nic's wheel was very similar to mine, James's wheel for me would probably be more physical (a difference which helped lead to our break-up). I don’t love Nic any less because of James (more, if truth be told, how amazing of Nic to let me have a partner!). Likewise, I don’t desire James any less because of Nic. What I have/had with each of the men were and are unique relationships.

So, what about my Relationship Wheel with Nic now? If I were to complete the wheel today, it would look similar but the esthetic connection would no longer be there (the house is finished!). The physical connection would be slightly larger. Criticially I would no longer say that the physical connection is only about hugs and snuggles, I also feel connected to him sexually! Hoorah! That doesn’t mean, however, that there isn't space in my life for other people, whether as friends, lovers, or "significant others." In fact, right now I could create Relationship Wheels for everybody I know, irrespective of the label I and others may give the relationship.

Relationship Wheels helped Nic and I explore how we saw each other, how we see ourselves, and the different elements of relationships we need from different people. It is a deceptively simple exercize which challenges and entertains at the same time!

Thursday, 27 September 2012

Cheating is Never Simple

My last few posts have been lovely and fun and sexy. But, as a contrast to yesterday’s marvelous story, I thought I would share a very painful experience. I want to demonstrate how much has changed in only 15 months and how grateful I am to my husband for putting up with me. It truly amazes me that I have such a fantastic man, one I love more than I can express. One I probably do not deserve. The following happened only about 15 months ago.

I cheated on my husband Nic, with a guy I shall call Paul.

Only twice have I had the “struck by lightning” feeling when I’ve met someone. The first time was 20 years ago with a man I stayed with for five years, and with whom I am still very close friends. Paul was the second.

We had been introduced by a friend, who noticed the connection and quite deliberately left us alone. We got chatting about sex and sexuality, he was in a poly situation at the time and I had recently realized I was naturally poly despite being in a mono relationship. It was nice to talk to someone about it. We both geeked out about the same nerdy things, we had the same attitudes to sex, we had similar fetishes, we worked in the same job, we had shared experiences and viewpoints about religion, politics, education, and life in general. But there were enough differences to be able to have a good row without it getting nasty. He was fun and relaxed and we enjoyed each other’s company.

I don’t do one night stands. I don’t have sex with someone without getting to know them very well first. My marriage was, and is, sacred to me. All of this led me into fooling myself I could be sensible.

Of course, we weren’t sensible; we were pushing the boundaries from the beginning. The night we were introduced had he kissed me, I would have kissed him back. Despite that we arranged to meet a couple of days later. I knew it was stupid, but I did it anyway. We went for dinner. I went back to his. We stayed up chatting until 4 in the morning. I slept on the sofa. I tried masturbating when he went to bed, but it didn’t work. At 7:30 his housemate was due to get up, so Paul and I had agreed to get up before him and make ourselves and the open plan living room/kitchen a bit decent. At 7 Paul did come in, but he had had as much luck at sleeping (and as it turns out, wanking) as I had. He suggested I join him in his bed. Just to sleep. He didn’t have any sheets on the bed so we had to make it together (it went seamlessly, without a hitch, without a word being said). I borrowed a pair of his boxers and put them over my knickers, I kept my tee-shirt on. I rolled over onto my side with my back facing him. He came up behind me and snuggled me. He had an erection. I came instantly. That’s a huge downside to being as orgasmic as I am – control is sometimes impossible. After that I didn’t stop to think about anything. I knew I shouldn’t be cheating and at various points I could have turned back but I didn’t. I hold full responsibility for my actions.

My brain did wake up eventually, when it came to penetration. That was my line. I don´t know why that was the line, I don´t know why it didn´t appear earlier, nor why it was so firm then, but it was.

After we had slept some, we had brunch together and chatted and made out a little more, but it wasn’t the same. We both felt disturbed by what had happened. We talked about wanting to get together again, but he had broken his “no mono attached people” rule and I had broken my marriage vows. I knew I would have to tell Nic. I knew it could be the end of my marriage.

Despite what happened, I never felt guilty, not at the time and not since. I don’t think caring about someone else is wrong, neither do I think enacting on that is wrong. The emotions and act itself were not immoral. BUT I am ashamed of the fact that I betrayed Nic’s trust in me. I am cross with myself for not having more control and stopping things before they got too far. I hurt Nic and that is something I do not like about myself. Nic deserves better.

One of the reasons I never felt guilty about Paul was because it gave me so much to think about, reasons to explore my own feelings, and a framework for doing that. Through Paul I came to realize that I could not be monogamous and still have human contact. I knew that I would have feelings for people again, and I needed to learn how to manage those feelings.

I also realized that I could no longer go on denying my sexual self and having what was (at the time) very little and very underwhelming sex. Something had to give.

As a result of my cheating, a few permanent changes happened within less than a month:
  1. I stopped shutting myself away and avoiding spending time with people I might find attractive.
  2. Nic realized that he had to look after himself a bit more and stop trying to focus all of his attention on me, he had to find ways to enjoy life, something he had forgotten how to do the longer we were married.
  3. Nic remembered that I was a sexual being. He looked at me the way others looked at me. I carried myself differently, I felt desired again. And that meant Nic desired me. We started having sex more regularly.
  4. Nic realized that he had certain barriers in his sexual make-up which stopped him enjoying sex.
  5. Nic and I started a path of exploration, including looking at ourselves as individuals and a couple in new, challenging, heartbreaking, fun, and entertaining ways. Our communication improved and we learnt to live with ourselves, in our own skins.
And Paul? I told him the intensity of my emotional connection to him from the get-go. That was probably stupid, but I wear my heart on my sleeve all the time. After we slept together I tried to meet him again so we could talk things through; Nic had given explicit permission for that to happen. Paul refused, blaming a lack of time and then claiming that he didn't believed that we could just have a chat without it ending in bed/tears/add random excuse (or genuine reason?) here. I thought him a bastard at the time, but in hindsight I know that he had no responsibility for me. I was probably just a one night stand for him. Despite suspecting that, if we were to meet again and we had the same connection, I would talk to him about my situation with Nic. I would talk to Nic. If Nic vetoed anything happening he would be well within his right, and I would never speak with Paul again, but if he didn’t? Who knows? Connections that strong only come along once every twenty years, and I will always have the feeling of “what if?”

One thing is certain though, my cheating days are over. I have no doubt boundaries will get smudged as Nic and I open our marriage and work out exactly how to deal with different scenarios, but never again will I end up in bed with someone without Nic’s explicit permission. Both Nic and I deserve to be respected more than that. Nic deserves better and I deserve better.

Nic, if you read this post (sometimes you do, sometimes you don't), I love you and I am genuinely sorry I put you through so much shit the last 15 months. You are a remarkable human being.

Wednesday, 26 September 2012

Wicked Bruise

This is a true account of the most emotionally rewarding sex I have ever had. It happened yesterday evening while pizza was burning to a crisp in the oven.

Within minutes of my husband Nic coming home from work he had me pinned against the kitchen counter, my hands holding onto the door handles behind me. He was rubbing himself up against me and biting my neck hard. He lifted my top up just above my breasts. Through my bra he squeezed one of my nipples hard, his other hand wandering over my body. He kept squeezing harder and harder. He is new to experimenting so I was worried about crying out in pain in case he stopped, but I had to. He did pause, but hesitantly. I whispered in his ear “don’t stop, I’ll shout ‘red’ if it is too much, I like the pain.” He squeezed even harder, I screamed out in painful ecstasy.

I was dripping wet. I could feel his hard cock through both of our trousers. “You can do anything to me, anything you want.” I breathed to him.

He undid his trousers and put his hand on my head pushing me down. I knelt on the floor, my back against the kitchen cupboard. He put his cock in my mouth and fucked it hard. He choked me, so spit was dripping out of my mouth. Sometimes he’d take his cock out and rub it around my face and wank against my lips, tracing his cock around my mouth.

He told me to touch myself. He tried to carry on squeezing my nipple. I hesitantly suggested he use a clothespin from the cupboard behind him, not knowing if that would be too much for my lovely, cautious, vanilla man. It wasn't! He put a clothespin on my nipple, over my bra. He put his cock in my mouth and fucked me hard, choking me even more. He made me cough. He took his cock out and rubbed it against my cheek, masturbating himself hard up against me. His juices smearing all over my face. He told me to come and I did, screaming loudly.

He lay down on the kitchen floor and told me to slide down onto his cock. His cock felt amazing filling me. Orgasms were coming but he could tell, so he told me to stop (the first time he had ever done that!). I did. Then he started fucking me from beneath me. And he spanked my arse while fucking me (again a first!). The vibrations from each smack working through to my cunt. The clothespin on my nipple kept getting knocked sending jolts through my body. All the sensations and the bliss of my husband’s control led to insanely intense orgasms. We both came loudly.

I burst into tears of joy. Ungainly, snotty tears of joy and love and happiness. Even writing this I feel the tears welling in my eyes. It was the most dominant Nic had ever been and the most pain he had ever been able to give me. Best of all he loved it. No wonder I cried.

Oh, and the nipple he was hurting? My nipples are used to being pinched and squeezed and attacked with clothespins, but never have I had visible bruises on them, at least not until now. There is a lovely blue mark around my right nipple. My vanilla husband may just have a hint of chocolate sauce. Wicked indeed!

Wicked Wednesday

Tuesday, 25 September 2012

The Hotel Window (erotica)

We are in the elevator of an enormous thousand room hotel. A handrail runs around the edge. I stand facing it with my hands on the rail, you have your hands over mine and are gently breathing against my neck, touching nothing else, saying nothing. It takes 2 minutes for us to get from the 1st to the 26th floor.

The elevator door opens and I turn the corner. You follow me. I fumble to get the keycard out of my back pocket to open the door. The door shuts. The room is completely dark except for the light coming through the floor to ceiling window. There are two double beds in the room. I sit on one. You sit on the other.

I slowly take one shoe off

Then the other, never taking my eyes away from you

I unbutton my shirt, one button at a time

You sit there and watch

I take my shirt off, but I´m still wearing a skinny tee, it shows my cleavage

I undo the belt buckle on my jeans

I undo the button

I put my fingers around the zipper and pull it down

Still you just watch

I take my t-shirt off

My bra is purple and just lacy enough to be see-through

You try to come to my bed but I stop you

You try to touch yourself through your jeans but I stop you

I stand up and take off my jeans

My panties are purple and lacy, they are full knickers covering everything

They are completely, utterly, totally see-through

I go to the window and press myself against it facing out

My hand goes into my knickers

I touch myself

You can see from behind, but nothing else

I tell you to come to the window and stand behind me

You try to touch me but I stop you

You can only see what I am doing in the reflection in the window and with the subtle movements of my arm

You hear the juices

You smell the juices

I tell you to undo my bra and slide the straps over my arms

It drops to the floor

You run your fingers around my breasts

You watch in the reflection of the window

People can be seen in the rooms of the hotel opposite

Someone watches as my fingers slide in and out of my cunt

Your cock hurts, pushing against your boxers and the fly of your jeans

I tell you to take all your clothes off

You are naked

You are spread-eagled against the window as I stand between your arms

I turn my back to the window and drop to my knees

I lick the length of your cock

I take your cock in my mouth

You put one hand on my head and lean against the window with the other

A beautiful woman is standing in the window opposite and you see her masturbating as I taste you

As you fuck my mouth I touch my clit with the fingers of one hand

I put one, two, three fingers in my cunt with the other hand

I fuck myself hard but stop myself coming

I take my fingers out of my cunt and my hand to your arse

My fingers are wet, I gently open your anus with a wet finger

I keep one finger in your arse as you fuck my mouth

You push me back against the window so I am trapped

The movement knocks my fingers away from my clit stopping me from coming

You take my finger out of your arse and take your cock out of my mouth

You stand me up, turn me round, take my panties off

I try to speak but you put your hand over my mouth

With the other hand you trace your fingers around my breasts, then down my spine, across my arse, and round to my cunt

You push me forward so my breasts are squashed against the window

Your right hand touches my clit

You slide your fingers into my cunt

I’m dripping wet, juices are running down my thigh

You stop, turn me round and push me to the floor

You tell me to fist myself with my left hand and masturbate my clit with the other

You touch your cock

You rub your cock across my face, smearing the juices across my lips

I tell you how close I am and you tell me to keep going

You put one hand under my chin and lift it so I’m looking up at you

Your other hand grabs your cock, you fuck your hand, every thrust pushes your cock against my face

We both get closer and closer

You feel yourself coming, your juices squirting over my lips, my nose, my chin, my cheeks, my hair

As I feel your juices drip down my face, I lick my lips and come long and hard, shuddering against the window and screaming your name

Sunday, 23 September 2012


Curve (noun):
  1. A line or surface that bends in a smooth, continuous way without sharp angles.
  2. The intersection of two surfaces in three dimensions.

Yey! Top pic for:
Sinful Sunday

Saturday, 22 September 2012

Coming out to Friends: One Time I Didn’t, Five Time I Did

It is not easy for me to come out of the closet as heteroflexible, kinky, and poly. My husband’s family and friends are very conservative and my job is weirder than weird. I am a heart-on-sleeve kind of girl though, so I like to come out to my closest friends.

The easiest way of doing this is usually by discussing sex-positive approaches to gender and sexuality. One time it went very badly:

The scholar (30 years): Sex-positive people all wear leather and sit at the back of rooms masturbating. They are just weird and hate people who like normal sex. (Needless to say, this was the end of the conversation. I never outed myself in any way. I’ve hardly spoken to her since. Her attitudes diminished her in my eyes and made me sad.)

Most people I’m friends with are at least sex-positive. If they are, I admit to being a bit kinky. The joy of this is that people judge me based on their own perception of what kinky is. A friend of mine described himself as kinky because he once had sex in a forest. Other people assume it means light bondage, others anal sex. Very few assume it means being used as a toilet. If people show genuine interest, a caring attitude, and openness, I add a little more to the kinky discussion. Sadly most people never get that much out of me. Those who are the most open, and least likely to reject me, I come out to as poly.

The results are always different. Here are five examples:

The blogger (33 years): My wife and I have said that if anything happens, for whatever reason, we shouldn’t feel bad about it and we shouldn’t feel the need to tell each other. Lifelong monogamy is unrealistic.

The vicar (47 years): So, are you are swinger? Your life must be very complicated. I don’t want to know if you do anything with anyone I know. I’m here for you with the rest of it. As long as you are happy and Nic is ok with it.

The receptionist (33 years): Is Nic ok with it? I can understand if it’s a bit weird for him. I’m jealous, I wish my husband would accept that. He’d divorce me if I even suggested it.

The teacher (40 years): Oh, good for you. I had a year-long relationship with another woman and my husband was ok with it. We’ve been so much happier since.

The writer (32 years): Oh, ok, I’ve only ever kissed one person, I’ve never had sex, and I’m happy. Isn’t it great we are all different!

Friday, 21 September 2012

Sex Therapists: Awful to Awesome

How on earth did hubby and I go from having no sex in two years, to having it four times in a week? How did we go from having very vanilla sex only in bed to fucking with the aid of household implements on the kitchen floor?

A bloody good sex therapist is the answer!

Alas, we first had a terrible one.

Here are my tips for picking a good therapist, based exclusively on personal experiences of a whopping two therapists. But, here goes nothing…

First, the Don'ts
  • Don’t just accept the first therapist you try
  • The best therapists are not necessarily professional psychologists/psychiatrists/drs
  • If a sex therapist blushes whenever anal sex is mentioned … run, do not walk, to the exit
  • Don’t stay with a therapist if they focus on the physical, rather than the mental
  • If a therapist’s idea of sexual compatibility relies on a penis being the center of attention, they are wrong
  • If you know in your gut a therapist sucks, give up on them
  • Success is not measured with fixed physical targets
  • Success is not measured in how many days after a session any improvements last, success is ongoing, continuing, permanent exploration of your sexual selves

Now the Do’s
  • Do prepare to cut back on spending on other things if the sex therapist you really want to go to is expensive
  • Find a therapist you like
  • If you feel comfortable talking with your therapist about all aspects of your sexuality, hoorah!
  • Make sure your therapist treats you as individuals AND as a sexual pair (or group)
  • Sex is about the relationship between your mind and your body (and if you are that way inclined, your spirit), find a therapist who shares that view and works that way
  • Do research into a therapist, if they have a website, articles or books published, if they are suggested on forums (especially if you do not conform to heteronormative sexual constructs)
  • Find a therapist who accepts you how you are
  • A therapist is only there to help you explore yourself, they are not there to treat you like you are a case study in a book they once read
  • Your therapist should be an enabler, they should help you find ways to keep growing on your own, without their help
  • Success is knowing that your therapist will be there for you if you need them, but you can continue on your path (as individuals, a couple, a group) without them

Unfortunately for me, I learnt all of this the hard way. Hubby and I went to a sex therapist for two years with very little change! After my cheating incident I decided I needed to go to a better therapist, one who was both kink and poly aware, and who specialized in a range of relationship structures.

I went to a session alone. Hubby joined me the next time.

Almost instantly our sex life was improved! The trick? The following conversation:
    Therapist to Nic: Do you want to fuck her?
    Stunned silence ensues
    Me to therapist: He won’t be comfortable with that word
    Therapist to Nic: Is that true? Do you not like it when people say they want to fuck?
    Lightbulb is visible above Nic’s head

That was that…literally! All Nic needed was someone other than me to tell him that it was ok to want to fuck. Sex doesn’t have to be moonlight and roses. Sex can be animalistic. It can be for fun. It can be to relieve boredom, stress, anxiety, insomnia…

Since that one conversation our sex life has only gotten better! Nic is still a bit funny about using the “f-word,” but he has certainly learnt how to fuck.

Praise the sex therapist Gods! Banish the sex therapist Devils!

Wednesday, 19 September 2012

How Not to Open a Marriage (or 14 Steps to Opening a Monogamous Relationship, part two)

In my last post I described how hubby and I made the initial steps to opening our monogamous marriage. In this one I describe the ever so complicated steps of meeting a guy, wanting to fuck him, and somehow ending up with a boyfriend. Sound complicated? It was a million times worse. To say this relationship could be the subject of twenty posts is an understatement. I have a diary of it, 30,000 words at least! Crazy times. But, for now, I’m focusing on them through the somewhat less chaotic gaze of Anita Wagner’s 14 Steps to Opening a Monogamous Relationship; the first 8 were discussed here.

Having fairly successfully progressed along the path to polyamory, I was merrily enjoying a little freedom. Nothing too crazy, just flirting and snuggling and maybe even the odd non-sexy kiss, but definitely more than your “average” mono couple would normally accept. One weekend I went to a festival and spent some time enjoying my new found freedom. Then I met James. This guy was gorgeous. If you could describe the appearance of my perfect guy, it would have been him. Needless to say I did nothing, no snuggles, no cuddling, no little kisses, nada. I told him I was poly (such a good girl, I was so up front) and we exchanged email addresses. We lived about 6 hours apart from each other so I didn’t expect anything to happen. Within a couple of days we were exchanging internet porn, after a few more days we were writing porn for each other. Yep, this guy shared all my filthy fetishes. HEAVEN! After less than a week I realized I couldn’t carry on like this and I needed to chat to hubby about it. We hadn’t made any rules about internet sex and I didn’t want to do more without permission.

So, what is the ninth stage in Wagner’s 14 steps?

“make a date to talk (with your partner) again and to make a plan as to how it (a poly relationship) might go initially. Put it in writing. NOTE: It is vastly preferable to take these steps BEFORE you meet and develop an interest in a new love”


Way to screw up the plan! I had two choices. The first was to ask Nic and hope he would be ok with everything. The second was to forget the new guy and return to the plan. I was convinced that this new guy was an ideal way to “break hubby in” to me having a more long-term and more physically intimate relationship with another person. There was distance. It really was (at that time) just about getting extra kicks to masturbate with. It was safe. For good or for ill, I decided to ignore the plan and speak to Nic. To his amazing credit, Nic had very few doubts. He mulled it over for a few days, he told me to play while he was at work to see how it felt to come home to me knowing what I had done. He was not only fine with it, but he had enormous amounts of compersion.

During the weeks of online play time, I practiced the 10th step in Wagner’s plan: thinking about Nic’s self-esteem, his confidence, and any sense of abandonment he might express. I continued to reassure him how much I needed, loved, and wanted him. We continued spending more, not less time together. All in all it was going well, or so I thought. While I was talking to Nic about my internet play-partner, Nic wasn’t talking to me about the situation. In hindsight this was a giant red flag of doomy doom doom! Isn’t hindsight wonderful?

From this point on, nothing went according to the 14-step plan. I should have made baby steps. I should have asked for permission to speak with James on the phone, to Skype with him, to meet him for coffee, for dinner, for a movie. I should have done all of those things. Instead I developed a fairly intense D/s dynamic with James. I worked from home and while Nic was at the office during the days (about 11 hours), James would control my whole day. It was wonderful, but probably not wise given the situation. Then something happened. For work, I had to travel to the town where James lived. The coincidence was too cool to miss. I asked Nic if I could have a real life BDSM session with James. All I could see was the opportunity to have a proper, intense anal-play and spanking experience. More than this, the guy was also into piss-play, one of my favorite fetishes (none of my previous partners were ever interested, how sad for me). I just wanted to be pissed on. Was this New Relationship Energy? No. I’ve experienced that and for me it feels a whole lot like love, for about three months, then it goes away again. At the time I was incredibly attached to James as his pet, but I had yet to build an emotional attachment to him outside of that dynamic. I really just wanted to be his sex-slave.

Perhaps understandably, Nic was uncomfortable with the D/s dynamic, but he learnt that it was helpful for me to get through an insanely difficult period in my work. As for meeting up, Nic reacted with an immediate “no way.” Had I been more patient I would have taken him at his word there and then. But he quickly turned his “no” to a “maybe” and that was enough for me to open the discussion further. We never fought about it. We never argued or raised our voices. We sometimes cried. We told each other we loved each other. We even went on holiday (and had a great time). We laughed. Mainly we talked and talked and talked and talked and talked. We negotiated. We went from “no meeting” to “meeting with hand holding and cuddles” to “overnight with spanking, piss-play, but no oral, anal or vaginal sex with anything other than toys.” The reasons were odd. Nic didn’t want me to have “a date” with James. This would have been romantic. But, he understood that the D/s dynamic Nic and I had built online was very different to romance so he became more comfortable with that as an idea. (In hindsight I should have seen the red flags here. Nic had always been fine with the emotional relationships I developed, but not the physical ones. This was surely a sign he wasn’t thinking clearly about the situation or learning how to work with, and not against, his feelings.) Every time he had major doubts I offered to cancel the whole thing. Every single time he said “no, if it has to happen, this is as good a time as any.”

Nic and I both had doubts. We both ignored them. I did spend the night with James. I had a truly astounding time. How Nic was when I was away is his story to tell, but it is a horrible story and one which will make me feel sad to the end of my days. Needless to say, the experience upon my return was truly unpleasant. We had a difficult couple of weeks. It seems that Nic, despite his natural compersion (which he also felt when I spent the night with James), had never been comfortable with the relationship. He never expressed his feelings though, for fear of upsetting me. He just let me have my online relationship while secretly disliking it and feeling increasingly abandoned. This only came out in the poly therapist's room. I was a little heartbroken to hear it. The poly therapist helped a lot. The answer, of course, was honesty with ourselves and communication with ourselves and each other. Rules to live by!

I saw James a couple more times after that, but we never did more than kiss and cuddle in person. We skyped a few times and spoke on the phone. We continued to email throughout the days. Nic became more comfortable with the situation and almost came to meet James with me on one occasion. We expressed ourselves much clearer and I drew back physically from James. All the while I was becoming more emotionally attached to him. Nic was fine with this. I guess he had become used to me having a “boyfriend” and talking about him. Nic would even ask how James was doing. It was amazing really, how it all worked so well at the end. It was the end though. The physical distance between James and myself and our growing emotional attachment, partly fuelled by the loss/transformation of the intense D/s dynamic, made it more difficult for us to stay together. Five months later and James and I have broken up, fairly acrimoniously.

I would love both of the guys to write their stories for this blog, perhaps Nic will one day, but James certainly won’t. As for hubby and I? We have become stronger through our mistakes. By diverting from the clearly laid out path we were easily able to see where we made things more difficult for ourselves than they needed to be. Nic had not been honest with himself or communicated everything with me. I lacked patience in my enthusiasm for kinky times with a super lovely guy. My judgment had been clouded.

But … to go back to the “should” I used earlier. There probably are no “shoulds.” As our poly therapist helped us realize, there are no rights and wrongs, only actions and consequences. It is impossible to know where Nic and I would be had we followed the path exactly. Now we are stronger, wiser, and happier because of our experiences and improved self-awareness and communication. Having said that, we have returned to Anita Wagner’s “14 Steps to Opening a Monogamous Relationship,” re-joining the plan at step 9. We will be making baby steps and at each stage in any new relationship I will ask for permission and make sure Nic is as comfortable as possible with the situation before progressing. In short, we will be listening to our instincts and those “doubts” a little more wisely. We are ready for the next relationship, if and when it comes along. I’m not looking, although if I meet someone I won’t be complaining, especially if they have spanking, filth and arse fetishes.