The End or A New Beginning?

The clichéd title of this post may reflect a whole variety of things about my life, my career and my marriage, but mainly it reflects this blog. For all of the elements a new beginning is accurate, but the blog, it may be the end. I don't know yet, but I wanted something out there to explain my silence, other than "yet another sex and relationship blog bites the dust." So, where am I?

1) The 101 Things To Do List is coming along brilliantly. I came out to a group of people, collected another qualification, got my professional website set-up, went to a three-star Michelin restaurant and more. If I get a chance I'll update the list.

2) Hubby has a dominant streak a mile wide. Seriously, it's amazing. He has learnt to enjoy the domestic dominance and controlling me with just a look or a subtle change in tone in his voice. It adds another very strong bond to our relationship and a sexual frisson that wasn't there before. Not to mention, he really likes metal and controlling my orgasms, the latter is awesome - the former is terrifying (in a good way of course). It makes me sad how much amazing sex he (and I) missed out on, but hapy he is finally finding it AND WITH ME! Yey!

So, if this is great and there are some positive things to explore in this blog, why could this be my last post? There are three reasons:

1) I was getting addicted to the blogging world. While I don't see a problem with this, I am an oversharer and need to control the natural honesty policy I have. I generally confess everything (to give you an idea, I broke a washing machine in a rented house 20 years ago, I still feel guilty because I never owned up). I don't like not sharing my actions, thoughts, and dreams with people. It feels icky. The very close bereavement I had, followed by a health scare that started two days after my Knife Play post and lasted a whole month, gave me a chance to kill the addiction and not spill out the secrets of everyone I know.

2) I met someone (in case you've forgotten, I am polyamorous, hubby is monogamous, complex emotional dramas ensue). This guy is charming, funny, attractive, clever, and sexy. I was trying to work out how to be friends with him, while negotiating my (and his) desires, hubby's nervousness, and this new guy's personal situation - a closed relationship. I point blank refuse to "go there" because I believe I have a moral responsibility to someone I have never met (and boy, does that put Paul in perspective, I only blamed myself for that situation and defended his innocence - nonsense!). Playing with boundaries like that is complex. I wrote so many blogs about the friendship (which is ongoing), but this is the first I have posted about it because I have not asked his permission to share his story. I don't know if I have the right.

3) Mainly though, this may be the end because of hubby. Something VERY, VERY major has happened to his health. It limits what he - what we - can do in our daily lives and it will do, to varying degrees, forever. His health is his story to tell, but without sharing it more I would be limited in what sexy times I could write about because it effects that too. Maybe in the future the blog can change and talk specifically about that, but not now.

If you reached the end of this post, whoop whoop, go you! If you have ever commented on any of my posts, thank you with bells whistles and plenty of spanks. You really made a big difference to mine and hubby's life. I am sorry to be leaving and hope to be back someday.

All the best,

Emily

PS How could this post go ahead without being part of a meme? No way! Clickety Click

Vaginal Juices

The last couple of days I keep getting whiffs of my vaginal juices and they smell good. Not just fresh or pleasant, but good. I keep putting my hands down my pants and sniffing my fingers, when I have taken my panties off I have put them right up to my face and taken a deep breath. But why?

Not, why do I do that, but why does it smell so good? It doesn't normally smell so desirable, but it is right now. Even as I write this I keep sniffing and tasting my fingers.

My vaginal juices smell and feel different throughout the month, pretty much as regular as clockwork. This is how it goes:

1) Smelly and sludgy, a tangy sweet smell, not particularly pleasant, this is the phase where I get crusty knickers, gross (I hate this phase!)
2) Menstruation
3) Not much discharge, what there is has a gentle delicate smell
4) Tonnes and tonnes and tonnes of clear discharge, no smell at all
5) Not much discharge, what there is has a gentle delicate smell

I'm in the fifth phase right now, so why is it so lovely and smelly, even tasty, at the moment? To be honest, it isn't just the current smell that has changed, but the last couple of months my whole pattern of vaginal juices has been thrown out of whack.

I wonder if this is stress or diet or age or changes in my sex life? It could be any or all of these features and this is both fascinating and frustrating.

Getting accurate information about anything to do with vaginas is nightmarish, doctors rarely take those of us who own them seriously. They attribute everything to "hormones" without ever doing tests. If I look at the internet the smelly, sludgy discharge is thrush, although why it should miraculously vanish and reappear at the same time every month is a bit beyond me.* Just about the only certainty is that the clear discharge that pours out by the bucketload is my time of ovulation. Of course, knowing that doesn't help explain why things should change and when it needs to get checked out by professionals.

I am "one" with my bodily functions and can pretty much work out when something is wrong and when I need to get it fixed (to the point that I have justly sought out second opinions when Drs have fobbed me off), but what about other persons with vaginas? How many of them keep as much track of their juices as I do? How many know what they should taste like at any given point? How many know what they should feel like between their fingers? How many only ever see them dried inside their panties? I hope not many, but I fear a great number.

Those of us with vaginas need to embrace our discharge, and perhaps we should also stop being afraid to talk about them. I can count the number of conversations I have had about vaginal discharge on one hand, although not for want of trying. Perhaps sex manuals and sex blogs and other sources of information should start to include more detail about vaginal juices. After all, they are an essential part of our health check....and they can taste amazing!



*In case you are worried, it isn't thrush, I've had that and know the difference, but the web tells me otherwise...

In The Eye Of The Beholder

This photo was taken in January before life through me some lemons. When I look at it I don't remember what was happening. Was I being confident and funny? Was hubby taking the photo? Was I? Was it during sex? Was it for Sinful Sunday? I don't remember.

Looking at it now, while I am slowly learning how to make lemonade again, it looks like I am hiding my breast and my body from the camera. It does not look full of joy and positivity. It does not look like the photo of a woman who loves her breasts, and yet I do. I truly do.

Perhaps in another month or so I will look again at this photo and see it as being filled with happiness, excitement and confidence, rather than confused sadness.

 



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This post was made for Sinful Sunday, clickety click for more lovely images.

Advice Sought: Blog, What Blog?

In my offline life I am becomingly increasingly open about sex and sexuality. I have started to discuss things with people far more than I used to. In a couple of months I am even presenting at a queer festival. What I won't be doing is sharing this blog.

This blog is my private haven, private being somewhat oxymoronic, of course. I write it for my own purposes. I started it like a sort of journal, but I like it because of the community feel and the life-affirming comments and discussion. I feel bad when I don't get to write for it. I feel like I am disconnected from my own thought processes, my personal reflection, my sexual meditation, even my sexual experimentation. Having this blog helps me to push my relationship/s sexually in more ways than I expected - perhaps because hubby also reacts positively to what I write and the comments I receive. When I don't get to write on my blog I also feel disconnected from the community, and that it will just disappear and I will be left without one again. It is a worrying thought, especially after I missed the big social opportunity of Eroticon due to my bereavement.

It is not always easy for me to write on my blog though. I access the blog on my laptop, but it is on a separate login and locked off from access to/from the other four (yes, four) accounts I have set up. The account is my sexuality, relationship, polyamory, BDSM login, where I keep my photos, pornography and such like. It isn't something I can open when I am with people other than hubby.

So, I have two questions for the hivemind:

1) How do you write your blog and keep it going when you are very busy with work and life gets in the way?

2) How do you write your blog when you have company? When people are staying at your house or you are staying with other people?

Anything?


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This post was written for Wicked Wednesday, clickety click for other stories, photos, poems, discussions and more.

Letter to My Husband

Although this is a letter to my husband, it is posted here because I thought it might be interesting or valuable for others to read.

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Dear Husband,

The last few weeks have been very difficult for us both. I want to thank you for all of your help and patience. As always, you are amazing and I love you.

Last night we spoke about sex, at least I did, I chose my timing badly. Because of that, I thought I would write down what I need right now. I thought it might be easier for you to read it in your own time. To read it over and over again if you need.

I cannot have romantic, slow, gentle lovemaking at the moment. My mind and my body cannot deal with it. At the moment, while I am grieving I need other things.

I need for you to force me. When I bite or scratch or grab or push you down, I need for you to use whatever force necessary to get me to stop, to make me feel like I am yours. I need to be able to let go and try to attack you, so that I feel you are forcing me. I wouldn't actually do anything dangerous, but I need to feel the resistance in my body and my mind.

I need for you to give me instructions and commands. I need you to tell me to wash the kitchen floor on my hands and knees, naked. I need for you to tell me I have to do things by a certain time and to report back to you. I need to feel like I am yours to do with as you will.

I need to be punished by you if I fail my tasks. I need to believe that you will punish me. To believe that, I may even fail to complete a task, so that I feel your punishment (whatever form that takes is irrelevant). When I feel that I will know to complete future tasks, because you have told me to.

I need you to command me in bed, to tell me what to do. I need to hear your voice. If you don't want to speak, command me to speak or  to do something instead. I crave your voice and your thoughts.

Before our loss, you were showing signs of natural Dominance. You seemed to love it and find it deeply arousing. At the moment that is hidden. I don't know if that is because you are grieving and need slow lovemaking or because you are scared of upsetting me or hurting me at this time. I hope it is the latter, because I need this. I need to be submissive to you, not to anyone else, to you. At this time, more than any other, I need to be submissive for my husband, for the man I love. I need to be owned by you.

I am not asking you to do things that would gross you out. I am not asking for you to fuck me hard up the arse, or to piss on me, or shit on me, or any of the other things I desire. I am only asking you to do things you have done before, but I would like them and I would like them with more aggression and force than has been between us before. 

I promise I will not let you go too far.

I promise I will let you know if you are pushing a little too hard.

I promise I will not let you do anything that is too much for you to bear.

I am asking for you to trust me as I trust you.

Please, be my Sir, if just for a little while.

All my love,

Your wife

Hang On, What Is Sex?

I was totally off the radar in February, so to rejoin the fold I thought I would follow the prompt posed for Wicked Wednesday: “?+?=?”. The initial question this leads to is “how many people have I had sex with?” This is not easy to answer, because first we need to ask “what is sex?” Simple you may think it is penis in vagina sex, but this makes all non-heterosexual people virgins which is blatantly ridiculous. When discussing sex people also only refer to cis-gendered people, which effectively equals guy with cock and girl with cunt. Although being woefully inaccurate, I have never knowingly been intimate with a transperson and so in this post I interchange the genitals and the gender. At some point I hope to find a way not to do this!

There are lots of discussions online about what counts as sex, including a number of academic papers and handy summaries of such papers, including “11 SexualActivities That People Don't Count As 'Having Sex.'” This is a summary of a paper done by the Kinsey Institute and Indiana University.

The researchers questioned 486 adults aged 18 to 96 from Indiana and most of them were heterosexual. They were asked whether they considered certain activities to be having sex. Not one single item they were asked was agreed upon by everybody. Here are some of those things, with my own experiences noted.

1. Penis-vagina sex (with no condom, with both male and female orgasm). I really can’t remember how many unsheathed men I have shagged, about five I’m guessing.

2. Just the tip (apparently also known as halvsies, I found this fab post about them). I don’t think I have had halvsies with anyone I wasn’t actually fucking and deliberately tormenting (or being tormented) with a bit of cock.

3. Penis-vagina sex with a condom. I have had more than ten and fewer than twenty. I am actually very fussy about men and their cocks!

4. Penis-vagina sex, with no female orgasm. Two men fall under this category, one is an unpleasant story for another day.

5. Penis-vagina sex, with no male orgasm. All guys I have been with have ejaculated.

6. Anal sex, with a condom. Unfortunately, fewer than ten (it always amazes me how hard it is to find guys who want to fuck my arse. It is an acquired taste it would seem, anal sex rather than my arse I would hope.)

7. Anal sex (no caveats). The same as above, but more to the point, I have had anal sex with no condom with three or four guys.

8. Receiving oral sex. No women have licked me, I am clearly doing something wrong there. I honestly don’t remember how many guys have devoured me.

9. Performing oral sex. I have enjoyed a couple of women and more men than I will ever be able to remember.

10. Receiving manual stimulation. I have experienced this from a few women but many more men than I can remember, let alone name.

11. Performing manual stimulation. As above.

 

What this doesn’t show is whether or not masturbation in the company of another person counts as sex, or using toys, or genital-to-genital contact, or orgasms through spankings, or other non-genital stimulation. If we count other kinds of experiences than penis-in-vagina, I just do not know how many guys there have been. I tried counting but I gave up when I kept remembering odd nights here and there fumbling around with groups of friends. I got to 40 before I threw in the towel at a complete loss.

 

Next time you discuss with someone how many people you have had sex with, (for health, relationship or fun), you may want to remember that you may have entirely different definitions of sex.

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This was posted for Wicked Wednesday, clickety click for more sex-related discussions and some erotic stories.

Eroticon and Sex Education

Edited 6th March:
As it turns out, life became a wee-bit complicated so I couldn't make Eroticon, which is what this post is about. Next year though, next year!
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This Sunday I am off to Eroticon, a sex blogger and erotic writer's conference. I plan on writing reports on the three sessions on my “must attend” list for those who miss them.

“Diversity 2: Polyamory 101” with Lori Smith and Amanda Jones. Technically, I am not sure I need to go to a Poly 101 session, having been immersed within it for a couple of years now. However, I am enthusiastic to hear from different people and these two women are fab. It is always possible to learn more and my experience of the poly community in England is patchy to say the least.

“Diversity 3: Getting the Language of Sex Right” with Justin Hancock (of BISH fame). This session is about using clear and inclusive sexual and gender diverse language. I try to be good (see me polishing my shiny halo), and I hope this will confirm it, or at least show me where I go wrong. Sadly, this session clashes with Molly Moore’s talk “Top Ten Tips for Bloggers.” It is aimed at people who want to increase blog traffic, and as much as I want to see Molly speak, I write my blog for me and any additional traffic is a bonus. Attending a session on diversity is, however, an important part of my personal development.

“Sex Education 2: Storytelling and Sex” with Brooke, Emily Dubberly and Meg Barker is my final absolute must session. This is for two reasons. First, Meg Barker. Her blog and book “Rewriting the Rules” is fantastic and I find the way she combines campaigning and academic work inspirational. Second, to match the previous session I really want to improve how I explore and discuss sex issues so that it can be informative. Having read some blog posts which give a negative message (rightly or wrong representing what is being presented), I feel a responsibility to portray my experiences in a useful and helpful way. I choose to make my stories public and so I must be careful that even a casual reader who encounters a single post through Google won’t get a mistaken impression.

Initially, I had two reasons to go to Eroticon: social and professional. I wanted to meet fellow bloggers, have some fun, and make friends. Unfortunately, I will not have time to do this now, but I may still be able to develop my ideas about career diversification. I want to explore ways of beginning a new life and to see whether sex education, writing, counseling, or therapy are possibilities for me. Perhaps they won’t be, or perhaps Eroticon won’t help me find out, but maybe the sessions I attend will help and I am sure they will be informative all the same.

Grief and Sex

Over two weeks ago a very close family member died unexpectedly and under difficult circumstances. It has been an awful couple of weeks and it will continue to be so for many months, if not years. I have had some strong sexual reactions to my loss and I thought it would be useful to write them down because writing is how I process. Then I googled sexual reactions to grief and was dismayed. Most articles claim that sex drive decreases with grief, especially among women. A few places recognize that hypersexuality is a reaction, but there is very little about it as a positive force, or indeed about engaging with it when it is a response. This is nonsense! I believe that as long as a grieving person (me!) is not being destructive and is not doing anything to harm herself or others, then she is grieving appropriately.

I heard about my loss at 11pm while I was at a friend’s two hours from where I live with my husband. I had to get home to him, get my transport arrangements sorted to get back to my family, pack, and try to get some rest before leaving to go home to my family all in the space of seven hours. The only reason that I did not have sex was because of the time, but my libido went through the roof.

My mind is what you might call overactive, or at the very least easily distracted. Even during sex my mind wanders onto random things. There are only two moments where my mind cannot be distracted without major effort on someone else’s part: when I am having an orgasm or in subspace. Herein lies my reaction to sex the last fortnight. I have been rather needy for sex, and of course I have snuggled and been intimate, but I have not wanted slow, romantic lovemaking. What I have wanted is the intensity of D/s lovemaking or D/s fucking.

My husband is also grieving and his initial reaction was not sexual. But my desire felt so strong that I even considered contacting my old Dom, James, for sex, or asking hubby if I could have a session with him, or somehow pursue a sexual situation in some way. But, this would have been damaging and destructive. Being intimate with James would have been a short-term fix for a long-term problem and the fix would have caused a whole heap of other problems. I am grieving, I am not capable of making decisions that will affect my future and I have to recognize that. Luckily I did realize that! I also realized that sex was not a need in the short term, but also that it was perfectly fine to want nothing more than to be dominated to the extent that I could find calm in a subspace. But that had to happen within my existing safe and happy relationship structure.

Last night my husband and I had sex again for the first time since our loss. It was the first time we both felt comfortable with what the other wanted and needed. It was romantic, gentle, soft, kind, loving, and involved him giving me commands. I didn’t reach a subspace but I had wonderful orgasms as he came down my throat, my mind and my body and my heart were free with the person I love. Performing sexual acts while grieving should not be something to be ashamed of, but it somehow seems to be seen as such by many.

As people we are physical, mental, and if you think that way also spiritual beings. In order to be complete people our hearts, our bodies, and our minds need to be connected. We need to be able to release our energy in the ways we need to in order to find balance again. A major hole in my world has been made, my balance has been broken and it feels like hell. I am having nightmares, my appetite is off whack, my brain feels like sludge and I burst into hysterics at random times, but at other times everything feels like nothing has happened. I know this is all normal. I am in the early stages of grief, it will take a long time to process what has happened. There will be many changes to my needs and desires. I need to be gentle on myself. I need to let my energies come out because bottling them up will lead to disaster. If some of these are sexual energies and involve begging my husband to fuck my mouth then that is necessary too.

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This post vaguely meets the prompt for the Thirty Days of Kink meme, Day 30: Whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want to write about.

Can Terrifying Be Cute?

So then, I have a foot phobia to the extent that feet are one of my hard limits. To try and overcome this I decided to add a couple of tasks to my 101 Things to do list. One of them was 'Try to overcome my foot phobia by painting my toenails.' I have NEVER done this before!!! So Friday, this is what I did. It felt gross. Yesterday, most of the times I saw my toes I freaked out. But once or twice I though 'pretty color.' Today I may have thought they looked cute once ... but they still creep me out. Maybe I should try painting them again some time. Anyway, have some proof of my *cough, splutter* bravery.

This post was made for Sinful Sunday, clickety click for far sexier images!

Understanding Sex and Emotions in Relationships (Part Two)

In the first part of this blog post I talked about the three kinds of love I most easily recognize in my relationship history: Philia, a loving friendship; Eros, a passionate love; Agape, Companionate Love. Even here, however, it isn’t that simple because a relationship may include two of these with or without sex. To explain myself a little clearer what follows is a result of my self-reflection, particularly for the benefit of understanding my polyamorous feelings. 

Of course, all but a few of these are “in hindsight” and as such, they are clouded by events long-since past and all manner of other fuzzy influences on the mind! 

Another thing, it is worth noting that of the following relationships, not all of them would still interest me, especially the first two… 

• Casual sex - one night stands
• Friends With Benefits - ongoing physically sexually intimate relationships with people I care about and want to spend time with because I like them as people but not with a strong emotional connection
• Philia With Benefits - friends I have physical relationships with and whom I love as friends but not necessarily as a partner (“to date”). In my experience this is extraordinarily hard for people to understand. I wonder if I would be able to do this again, it is hard to explain to someone the differences between loves and when sex is added into the mix things get messy irrespective of whether or not I have been honest about my love for the person. The person I shared my virginity with was a friend like this. We dated for two years, I broke his heart.
• Philia Without Benefits - friends I love deeply but do not want to “date” or have sex with. This is a truly astounding sort of friendship, and in my personal history very rare. I can probably name only five like this. Friends whom I truly love but have never shared any physical connection. This is perhaps because when I meet a person I always consider them sexually before anything else, almost subconsciously. I have since I was a teenager. In a future blog I will try to explain it.
• Eros Without Benefits – people with whom I have wanted to be physically intimate and “date,” yet for some reason it could not or did not happen.
• Eros With Benefits - To be honest, with me this is the kind of relationship that tends to be governed by New Relationship Energy and never lasts more than three months. It is something I learnt to control a long time ago and now I no longer suffer this kind of situation. They are enormous fun but also emotionally draining and an easy way to get yourself into difficult situations. Alas, I find this the easiest sort of love and relationship to come by.
• Eros and Philia With Benefits – Other than my husband, the two longest relationships I have had have had this, although with one of them the Eros fizzled out quite quickly. The other lasted almost the entire five years of our relationship (the second longest, other than with my husband). When the Eros left it didn’t take long for us to break up. We have been close friends ever since – for almost fifteen years now! So close in fact that the penultimate sort of loving relationship I will describe I share with him.
• Agape and Philia Without Benefits - I've had this twice. One I just mentioned and one with a man I deeply adore but with whom I can never have a relationship in the traditional sense, much to both of our sorrow (he is a married vicar…).
• Agape and Philia With Benefits – I have this with my husband Nic. I have only ever had it with him. Magically, in the last few months Eros has been developing between us. Something I find truly exceptional after ten years together (we met almost eleven years ago to the day). I hope in the coming months I will be able to add “Agape and Philia and Eros With Benefits.” Either way, Agape is the hardest of loves to find and it is a special thing to share it with my husband. I am extraordinarily lucky.

 

So, this has been long-winded and I doubt anybody made it this far (gold star if you did!). But, it has been a useful exercise and that is what self-reflection is for. Before I go, I want to say:

• Just because I do not have Philia for a person, does not mean that I am not friends with a person.
• Just because I do not have Eros for a person, does not mean that I do not want to fuck them.
• Just because I do not have Agape for a person, does not mean that I do not enjoy hanging out watching DVDs with them.

Love and friendship and sex is a many wondrous and complicated thing!

 

Understanding Sex and Emotions in Relationships (Part One)

It has been a long time since I have written anything about my polyamory, I think that needs to change now. This is the first post of many I am planning in the coming weeks.

One of the oddest things about polyamory is the way that simple definitions don’t work. When in a monogamous relationship, the assumption is always that we are “just good friends,” “friends with benefits,” “dating,” “serious,” “living together,” “married.” All of these statements are about status. They say little about feelings or sexual connections. One assumes, based upon the status of the couple, what the emotional and physical relationship is, but that is total nonsense. Plenty of married people can’t stand each other, and plenty of “friends with benefits” have at least one party in love with the other. Of course, most monogamous people realize this, especially in an active conversation, but it isn’t the standard passive assumption.

Hardwired poly folk (as opposed to people who find themselves in a poly situation), have a constant awareness and an ongoing internal and external process. We don’t define relationships in the same way as mono people because we actively know, accept, explore, and live with our feelings for other people. We are also far more aware of the changing nature of relationships, probably because we so actively know there are different types of love and different ways of feeling love for people at the same time.

As part of my exploration of my own polyamory I looked at my past relationships and tried to explore them through the idea of love and sex. It was insanely complicated and I don’t think I could ever do it full justice, but I tried.

To begin with, such an exploration needs to recognize different types of love. If you do a Google search for “types of love” you find schematics of four, five, ten, fifteen and no doubt more if you can be bothered. For me, in my own world, I keep it simple with three sorts: Philia, a loving friendship; Eros, a passionate love; Agape, a companionate love (for the Greek scholars out there, many apologies for simplifying and appropriating such complex terms!).

Philia: This is when I love a person and want to spend time with them because they make me laugh, challenge me, entertain me, please me. And I want to do the same for them. It is based on mutual respect, loyalty, and appreciation.

Eros: This is what is often meant by being “in love” with someone. I hate the phrase because it seems so unrealistic, so juvenile, so insignificant. Yet, it is also handy. For me, it is a kind of love that transmutes and becomes something else, perhaps even dissipating completely. I have often confused New Relationship Energy with Eros, with being “in love.”

Agape: This is the kind of lasting love, a love that is ongoing and comfortable. For me, it is the love that gives me inner peace. It is when I can sit on a sofa with someone for hours while we do our own thing and never needing to say a word. It is when I can make dinner with someone and we both know what we need to do without speaking. It is the kind of love that makes me want to take afternoon walks with a person, see the world with them, and never lose them. It is unconditional and rare.

There are, of course, dozens of ways to categorize and analyze my relationships and my sorts of loving experiences, but these are the kinds of love I experience. One of the greatest difficulties is to recognize and acknowledge these feelings to others. How, for example, did I tell my husband that I never experienced Eros for him? Although in the last few months this has truly been developing; such a wonder to develop the most transient sort of love after ten years! From another angle, how many fuck buddies would really understand that I loved them in the sense of Philia, but not even Eros, especially when we were often so much more than fuck buddies? Most would be confused.

Emotions are complex and we need to explore them for our own mental well-being. What, how, and when we share our feelings should also be for our own mental well-being, and only by being honest with ourselves can we develop this concept.

In the second part of this blog post, I will explore the different types of relationships I have had, and, simple it isn’t!

Something I Love About Myself

One of my tasks on the 101 Things to do in 1001 Days is to finish writing the 30 Days of Truth meme. Now, most of these will never see the light of day because they are too personal and break my heart. But this one, I thought I would post it.

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Day 02 : Something you love about yourself

How not to seem like an arrogant tool? Hmmm, I love myself. I really do. I don’t think I’d love me if I met me, but as far as who I am, I pretty much love me. What do I love best? That is tricky.

I think, if I had to pick one thing, it would be my self-awareness and my knowledge that I’m not perfect and I must constantly work at growing and developing as a person. We all change, people we meet change us, work, small happenstances in the street, major illnesses, the weather, everything. I love the fact that I know this and as a result am constantly questioning and wondering and pushing myself to be the best and the happiest I can be. That makes me better and I think it makes the world a little better. That last bit, about making the world a better place … that is probably the second thing I would say I love about me. I am an idealist and want everyone to be happy. I do whatever I can to help move that along, without sacrificing myself in the process. Happiness is important, and I wish more people would find out what makes them happy and how they can achieve that.

Can I say a third thing I love? Of course I can, it’s my blog. I love my boobs. They’re awesome! Here is a photo of them (in a very ill-fitting bra – the shame!) to prove it.

Truth level: Total, there is nothing here I wouldn’t say to anybody else, quite literally, I can often be seen in conversations grabbing my boobs with pride *grin*


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This was posted for Wicked Wednesday. I missed the prompt totally this week, but never mind. To see more wicked things, whether simple or extravagant, raunchy or subtle, clickety click

 

101 Things in 1001 Days: The Launch

“I’m making a list of 101 things that I want to do in 1001 days … including the naughty stuff” This was Tweeted by @SexwithRose on the 30^th December 2012. I was encouraged to do the same thing by @RebelsNotes, and so the journey to the center of the abyss begun – like all good things, while I was in bed!

This idea seemed particularly perfect for right (here, right) now because many changes are afoot in my life, many more than those I discuss on my blog. My list includes everything from getting my hair cut to having sex in a car (I licked someone’s cock in a car once about twenty years ago, but I don’t really count it, my dad caught us, whoops!).

Some of the items on the list are very personal and private so I haven’t fully described what they are (and I won't tell you which ones are in code!). As for why the items are on the list, well that is for me to know and … oh, all right then, twist my arm. Have a couple of explanations …

“Go to a nudist beach” This seems pretty easy for someone happy to go to the toilet in front of total strangers, but nope. I really hate sand! It gets everywhere and is uncomfortable. Also, it is tricky finding someone willing to go with me. Maybe hubby will, just for the hell of it.

“Finish the 30 days of Truth (not necessary to post)” Why would I complete a blogging meme and not post the answers to the prompts? For my own growth. I started answering the prompts before I started the 30 Days of Kink meme, but it became very emotionally raw and too intense to post so I gave up with it. Writing it was valuable though, so I will finish the prompts and perhaps some of them may even end up on the blog.

“Return to volunteering in a social role” Since I was 11 (yes, eleven), I have been a volunteer. This has never, ever stopped. I cannot recall a time where I have not volunteered. The problem is, for the past eight years this volunteering has all been for professional purposes. I have organized events, networks, meetings and all sorts of other things. I have represented women and young people until I was blue in the face. I have done all manner of necessary and important things that I (mostly) enjoyed, but they were also not very useful for society in the broader sense, more for the disenfranchised members of an elite group. It is time I returned to volunteering with children or older people or people with (learning) disabilities or animals, or perhaps now with some other community groups. Working with sexuality campaign groups or something more relevant to my current lifestyle may be the way forward. Donating money to charities and ranting on the internet just doesn’t cut it anymore!

 

“Have sex with someone other than myself every day for a month (online sex and phone sex counts)”. It has been many years since I had sex with someone every day for a month, although I did come close back when I was mucking about with James. I want to have a go at getting this fixed. I don't think hubby would be up for 30 days of sexing with me, but I am sure I can pull together a couple of online pals to play with. But I do have three years, so maybe if I wait a couple his ever growing sex drive will match mine eventually.

 

 

So, where is the rest of this list, over here on its own special page: 101 Things in 1001 Days

 

If you have any questions about it do ask, and if you are inspired to make your own let me know!

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This post was written for Wicked Wednesday, clickety click for other interesting stories, poetry, and a healthy dose of porn!

 

 

#Sad Sunday

One of my favorite things at the moment is Sinful Sunday. Many of you know it is a weekly meme where (sex) bloggers post a sexy photo or five. It is a lovely, confidence-building, empowering group. Bloggers comment on each other's posts and build a community. It is a happy experience.

Today's post is, for me, a sad one. Last week hubby vetoed a photo because there was a little glimpse of a nipple. I finally felt confident enough to show it (it was mostly hidden within a candy bra), but he didn't want me to.

This week I made a lovely, lovely post. It showed nothing I haven't shown before. But, I was fully dressed. Hubby was worried that if anyone who knows me saw the post, they would recognize me. I understand this, I really do. But it saddens me because I am not ashamed of who I am. I do not want to be in the "closet." I am because he wants and needs us to be. I understand that too. It is hard though. It is tiring. It makes me feel like I am something to be ashamed or embarrassed about. I truly, truly understand his viewpoint, but it doesn't make it hurt any less.

It is not easy when you are with someone who has very different sexualities to yourself.

This is still Sinful Sunday, so have a somewhat anachronistic photo of my cleavage.

Edit: I should add that hubby and I have chatted about it. We are excellent communicators. But part of that communication is openly accepting how we feel. We all have to take responsibility for our own feelings and actions. My husband for his, and I mine. We both accept that we need to accept and acknowledge the feelings of each other, and we are both able to do this. Although, perhaps ironically, that also makes us sad because we do not like to see each other suffer. We are a strong couple with an enormous divide between us, one that is continually being pushed and challenged. It is tiring and exhausting for both of us.



For happier posts, pop over to Sinful Sunday to see some really sexy and daring photos.

Bloghop: My Mind's Murky Murkdom

I was asked by the wonderful, intelligent, oh so sexy Flexibeast to join in the bloghop experience. It is a way to interview yourself on a topic of your choosing. Here is her "Bloghop" post, it is amusing and entertaining (but also, when you read between the lines, sad and poignant). It is a satire about becoming a woman for the fifth column of patriarchy. Please follow her on Twitter, she is a hoot!

So, here are my questions.

Most importantly: what is your favorite color?
PURPLE!!!!

Why did you start the blog?

The last session Nic and I had with our sex/poly/relationship therapist was a real eye-opener. The therapist made us realize that we don’t have to deal with our situation in the same way. I kept trying to get Nic to read blogs, books, and articles. I wanted him to come to meetings and join a community. None of that helped him; in fact, it made things worse. What we agreed was that we each need to live our lives in the way we want and it is only our joint lives where we need to work together. Thus, he spends time with monogamous, fairly heteronormative people; and I spend time with a whole variety of queer folk. One of the things I realized was that I also needed a kinky network. I needed to find a way to think about, write about, and explore my kinky side within the framework of my polyamory. This blog has been astounding for that!

Why the pseudonym Emily Daniel?

When I was in my last D/s relationship, Sir thought it a good idea that we use alternative names to try to distance ourselves when roleplaying. I thought it a ridiculous idea, and so it proved to be. The names we tried to use were Emily and Daniel (for reasons I will not share). They are also the names of a couple on the TV show Revenge. It is a show hubby and I watch religiously together. I like symmetry in life, and this seemed like a lovely form.

How would your blog and Twitter followers react if they knew your offline identity, specifically what work you do?
It would vary dramatically. Some would be amused, others fascinated, but others might be horrified. I am a professional person, largely self-employed, and I work for Not-For-Profit agencies.

How many people in your offline world know the blog?

My husband (Nic), our therapist, my former Sir (James or the "Daniel" in my pseudonym), and a very good friend (let’s call him Dan, who I hope will write a guest blog for me one day. He is a great chap and very interesting!). One female friend knows about the blog, we met first and at some stage decided to exchange offline identities too. Fabby sexy lady, but her identity would out both of us! Additionally, one person knows that I have a blog but does not have any of the details.

How would people in your offline world react to the blog, particularly its contents?

Again, the responses would vary. Friends who know me very well might be slightly embarrassed but wouldn’t be shocked. My in-laws would be disgusted and horrified and may well suggest my husband divorce me. My family would be grossed out, but not at all surprised. My professional colleagues would vary between black-listing me from employment, disgust, amusement, and indifference. Some of them might even find a new respect for me. I have often been called a “prude.” By all accounts I give off an innocent vibe until people get to know me.

Do you want to come-out?

The short answer is absolutely! If it were just me, I would scream my identity from the rooftops and join campaign groups (I’m big on community activities!), but this blog is about my husband and other persons I know. That would be terribly unfair on them, most especially my husband. At some point we might get found out, some unpleasant person may decide to out me for kicks. If/when that happens we will deal with the fallout. In the meantime I am increasingly telling people that I like women, am kinky, and so on. It takes time, patience, and resilience to deal with their reactions.

If you could make money from sex would you want to and if so, how?

I would quite like to write about sex and get paid for it, but there is little money in such an endeavor. There is, however, something I have been thinking seriously about for a while. I have been considering becoming a sex therapist. Having experienced appalling and astounding therapists, I would like to give something back. There needs to be more understanding sex-positive therapists who are accepting of diversity. Over the years many people have suggested I become a therapist, but it is only since my own positive experiences of therapy have I thought about it. This is something I shall consider over the next year or two. It would, however, require complete acceptance from my husband, especially as I would actively wish to work with people who have alternative relationship structures and who do not fit within Gayle Rubin's Charmed Circle. This requires more of an open lifestyle policy than we currently have.

Anything else you would like to add?
I am currently writing a short story/novella/novel (I will see where the muse takes me) about a priest and a young male criminal. Oh, how I love my Priest!kink (that exclamation mark, right there, is deliberate and part of a specific language tied to a very specific community. If you understand it, you will find out my main hobby in the whole wide world).

Now I pass the baton to Clive at Clive Journeys Into Kink. I love Clive, really, I have a (now not at all) secret crush. His posts are humorous, irreverant, and usually include willies and panties. "Willy Hunt" is one of my favorite posts of his. And, this is his Bloghop post "Not to be Published." As expected, it is FANTASTIC, and all about pink panties.

Why No Sex? I Want Sex!

I’ve been silent for weeks now, not only metaphorically with my blog voice, but also literally with my sex voice. Hubby came home from his fortnight away two weeks ago. Surely, when he came home we had lots of sex, right? Wrong. We had bugger all.

Two and more years ago I would have sulked and moaned and eventually shouted at him, or possibly cried silently into my pillow (I did that most of all). I would have believed it was all his fault and that I was being punished for having led a full sex life before meeting him. Now I am wiser.

We didn’t have sex for lots of reasons, and you know what? Not hubby’s fault!

Blood, so, I have a fetish for blood-play. But, that does not stretch to menstrual blood. To have sex during my period I have to plan it. I have to put down towels and have condoms and all sorts of things. When Nic came back from his trip, I had just started menstruating (four days early, BOOOOO!). Nic never propositions me when I am on my period. I used to blame him for this, but now I see it is because I have issues and he is being kind.

Work, it was insane. I’m not talking 9-5, or even the 9-8 scary business folk often do. No, I’ve been work between 12 and 16 hours a day, 7 days a week for the last month. It has been the brainchild of Satan’s petulant youngest child, trying to show off to daddy. Seriously, it has been that bad. How could I blame hubby on that? Once I would have.

Sickness, hubby had a cold. When I have a cold I get insanely horny. I used to blame hubby for not feeling horny when he was sick. How is that fair?

When sex is bad, everything becomes clouded in that. It is impossible to separate logic and reason from feelings of pain and anxiety. I wanted sex, I never got sex, and a cycle of misery and recriminations developed. Thankfully things are changing, and because Nic and I have been building our sexual bridges (and, oh, what magnificent bridges they are), it has been easier for me to look at my negative thoughts calmly and to recreate them in positive ways. Now I see this period of two weeks abstinence as a chance to explore how far we have come. I’m moaning about two weeks? It wasn’t so very long ago we didn’t have sex for two years!

Hubby was away again this weekend. Monday he came home and Monday night, he discovered new things.

 

He made me lie on my front, with my bum lifted in the air a little. He spanked it, he bit it (damned hard I might add! Bite bruises!), and he shoved a butt plug up my arse. He also decided, for reasons I can’t fathom, to spank my cunt with the back of his hand. I could hear him wanking above me as he was slapping me. It felt amazing and, of course, I orgasmed like that. The whole time I was wearing my very unsexy red pajama top (it is freezing in my world). When he told me that he was going to come over my back I asked him if I should get naked. He very forcefully said “No!”  His juices shot all the way along my back and into my hair.

Have a strange photo of a streak of my husband's orgasm from my bum to to neck, with just a tiny hint of one of the bite marks. Cheekily cropped as always, nothing too saucy to see on this blog.

This post met the prompt #want for Wicked Wednesday. Please take a look to find a whole range of real life stories, philosophy, sex ed, photos, and all kinds of erotic goodies.