"Hang up my shirts naked"

A few weeks ago I wrote a letter to my husband. I asked him to be my Sir during a period of intense grief. The letter made him sad because he wasn't inspired to be dominant while grieving and helping me through my grief. Then a number of other things happened (including another bereavement) and suddenly one day this week I received an email from hubby while he was at work (I work from home - bonus!).

"Put my shirts in the washing machine, turn it on. While in the laundry room, hit your thighs with your brush till you come, then go and do whatever you like. When the washing is done, hang up my shirts naked."

My reaction was beyond excitement! I followed the instructions, obviously. I managed to give myself some nice bruises, but hitting myself wasn't enough to make me come so I helped it along by masturbating with a large plastic cooking spoon with a long, thick handle. It was incredible, not least because the laundry room is tiny - barely enough space for the washing machine and one person. It made the whole experience that much more awesome.

One thing though, hanging up damp shirts when naked is jolly bloody cold!

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This post was made for Sinful Sunday (hoorah, I'm back!). Clickety click for more sexy pics.

Advice Sought: Blog, What Blog?

In my offline life I am becomingly increasingly open about sex and sexuality. I have started to discuss things with people far more than I used to. In a couple of months I am even presenting at a queer festival. What I won't be doing is sharing this blog.

This blog is my private haven, private being somewhat oxymoronic, of course. I write it for my own purposes. I started it like a sort of journal, but I like it because of the community feel and the life-affirming comments and discussion. I feel bad when I don't get to write for it. I feel like I am disconnected from my own thought processes, my personal reflection, my sexual meditation, even my sexual experimentation. Having this blog helps me to push my relationship/s sexually in more ways than I expected - perhaps because hubby also reacts positively to what I write and the comments I receive. When I don't get to write on my blog I also feel disconnected from the community, and that it will just disappear and I will be left without one again. It is a worrying thought, especially after I missed the big social opportunity of Eroticon due to my bereavement.

It is not always easy for me to write on my blog though. I access the blog on my laptop, but it is on a separate login and locked off from access to/from the other four (yes, four) accounts I have set up. The account is my sexuality, relationship, polyamory, BDSM login, where I keep my photos, pornography and such like. It isn't something I can open when I am with people other than hubby.

So, I have two questions for the hivemind:

1) How do you write your blog and keep it going when you are very busy with work and life gets in the way?

2) How do you write your blog when you have company? When people are staying at your house or you are staying with other people?

Anything?


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This post was written for Wicked Wednesday, clickety click for other stories, photos, poems, discussions and more.

Letter to My Husband

Although this is a letter to my husband, it is posted here because I thought it might be interesting or valuable for others to read.

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Dear Husband,

The last few weeks have been very difficult for us both. I want to thank you for all of your help and patience. As always, you are amazing and I love you.

Last night we spoke about sex, at least I did, I chose my timing badly. Because of that, I thought I would write down what I need right now. I thought it might be easier for you to read it in your own time. To read it over and over again if you need.

I cannot have romantic, slow, gentle lovemaking at the moment. My mind and my body cannot deal with it. At the moment, while I am grieving I need other things.

I need for you to force me. When I bite or scratch or grab or push you down, I need for you to use whatever force necessary to get me to stop, to make me feel like I am yours. I need to be able to let go and try to attack you, so that I feel you are forcing me. I wouldn't actually do anything dangerous, but I need to feel the resistance in my body and my mind.

I need for you to give me instructions and commands. I need you to tell me to wash the kitchen floor on my hands and knees, naked. I need for you to tell me I have to do things by a certain time and to report back to you. I need to feel like I am yours to do with as you will.

I need to be punished by you if I fail my tasks. I need to believe that you will punish me. To believe that, I may even fail to complete a task, so that I feel your punishment (whatever form that takes is irrelevant). When I feel that I will know to complete future tasks, because you have told me to.

I need you to command me in bed, to tell me what to do. I need to hear your voice. If you don't want to speak, command me to speak or  to do something instead. I crave your voice and your thoughts.

Before our loss, you were showing signs of natural Dominance. You seemed to love it and find it deeply arousing. At the moment that is hidden. I don't know if that is because you are grieving and need slow lovemaking or because you are scared of upsetting me or hurting me at this time. I hope it is the latter, because I need this. I need to be submissive to you, not to anyone else, to you. At this time, more than any other, I need to be submissive for my husband, for the man I love. I need to be owned by you.

I am not asking you to do things that would gross you out. I am not asking for you to fuck me hard up the arse, or to piss on me, or shit on me, or any of the other things I desire. I am only asking you to do things you have done before, but I would like them and I would like them with more aggression and force than has been between us before. 

I promise I will not let you go too far.

I promise I will let you know if you are pushing a little too hard.

I promise I will not let you do anything that is too much for you to bear.

I am asking for you to trust me as I trust you.

Please, be my Sir, if just for a little while.

All my love,

Your wife

Hang On, What Is Sex?

I was totally off the radar in February, so to rejoin the fold I thought I would follow the prompt posed for Wicked Wednesday: “?+?=?”. The initial question this leads to is “how many people have I had sex with?” This is not easy to answer, because first we need to ask “what is sex?” Simple you may think it is penis in vagina sex, but this makes all non-heterosexual people virgins which is blatantly ridiculous. When discussing sex people also only refer to cis-gendered people, which effectively equals guy with cock and girl with cunt. Although being woefully inaccurate, I have never knowingly been intimate with a transperson and so in this post I interchange the genitals and the gender. At some point I hope to find a way not to do this!

There are lots of discussions online about what counts as sex, including a number of academic papers and handy summaries of such papers, including “11 SexualActivities That People Don't Count As 'Having Sex.'” This is a summary of a paper done by the Kinsey Institute and Indiana University.

The researchers questioned 486 adults aged 18 to 96 from Indiana and most of them were heterosexual. They were asked whether they considered certain activities to be having sex. Not one single item they were asked was agreed upon by everybody. Here are some of those things, with my own experiences noted.

1. Penis-vagina sex (with no condom, with both male and female orgasm). I really can’t remember how many unsheathed men I have shagged, about five I’m guessing.

2. Just the tip (apparently also known as halvsies, I found this fab post about them). I don’t think I have had halvsies with anyone I wasn’t actually fucking and deliberately tormenting (or being tormented) with a bit of cock.

3. Penis-vagina sex with a condom. I have had more than ten and fewer than twenty. I am actually very fussy about men and their cocks!

4. Penis-vagina sex, with no female orgasm. Two men fall under this category, one is an unpleasant story for another day.

5. Penis-vagina sex, with no male orgasm. All guys I have been with have ejaculated.

6. Anal sex, with a condom. Unfortunately, fewer than ten (it always amazes me how hard it is to find guys who want to fuck my arse. It is an acquired taste it would seem, anal sex rather than my arse I would hope.)

7. Anal sex (no caveats). The same as above, but more to the point, I have had anal sex with no condom with three or four guys.

8. Receiving oral sex. No women have licked me, I am clearly doing something wrong there. I honestly don’t remember how many guys have devoured me.

9. Performing oral sex. I have enjoyed a couple of women and more men than I will ever be able to remember.

10. Receiving manual stimulation. I have experienced this from a few women but many more men than I can remember, let alone name.

11. Performing manual stimulation. As above.

 

What this doesn’t show is whether or not masturbation in the company of another person counts as sex, or using toys, or genital-to-genital contact, or orgasms through spankings, or other non-genital stimulation. If we count other kinds of experiences than penis-in-vagina, I just do not know how many guys there have been. I tried counting but I gave up when I kept remembering odd nights here and there fumbling around with groups of friends. I got to 40 before I threw in the towel at a complete loss.

 

Next time you discuss with someone how many people you have had sex with, (for health, relationship or fun), you may want to remember that you may have entirely different definitions of sex.

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This was posted for Wicked Wednesday, clickety click for more sex-related discussions and some erotic stories.

Eroticon and Sex Education

Edited 6th March:
As it turns out, life became a wee-bit complicated so I couldn't make Eroticon, which is what this post is about. Next year though, next year!
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This Sunday I am off to Eroticon, a sex blogger and erotic writer's conference. I plan on writing reports on the three sessions on my “must attend” list for those who miss them.

“Diversity 2: Polyamory 101” with Lori Smith and Amanda Jones. Technically, I am not sure I need to go to a Poly 101 session, having been immersed within it for a couple of years now. However, I am enthusiastic to hear from different people and these two women are fab. It is always possible to learn more and my experience of the poly community in England is patchy to say the least.

“Diversity 3: Getting the Language of Sex Right” with Justin Hancock (of BISH fame). This session is about using clear and inclusive sexual and gender diverse language. I try to be good (see me polishing my shiny halo), and I hope this will confirm it, or at least show me where I go wrong. Sadly, this session clashes with Molly Moore’s talk “Top Ten Tips for Bloggers.” It is aimed at people who want to increase blog traffic, and as much as I want to see Molly speak, I write my blog for me and any additional traffic is a bonus. Attending a session on diversity is, however, an important part of my personal development.

“Sex Education 2: Storytelling and Sex” with Brooke, Emily Dubberly and Meg Barker is my final absolute must session. This is for two reasons. First, Meg Barker. Her blog and book “Rewriting the Rules” is fantastic and I find the way she combines campaigning and academic work inspirational. Second, to match the previous session I really want to improve how I explore and discuss sex issues so that it can be informative. Having read some blog posts which give a negative message (rightly or wrong representing what is being presented), I feel a responsibility to portray my experiences in a useful and helpful way. I choose to make my stories public and so I must be careful that even a casual reader who encounters a single post through Google won’t get a mistaken impression.

Initially, I had two reasons to go to Eroticon: social and professional. I wanted to meet fellow bloggers, have some fun, and make friends. Unfortunately, I will not have time to do this now, but I may still be able to develop my ideas about career diversification. I want to explore ways of beginning a new life and to see whether sex education, writing, counseling, or therapy are possibilities for me. Perhaps they won’t be, or perhaps Eroticon won’t help me find out, but maybe the sessions I attend will help and I am sure they will be informative all the same.

Grief and Sex

Over two weeks ago a very close family member died unexpectedly and under difficult circumstances. It has been an awful couple of weeks and it will continue to be so for many months, if not years. I have had some strong sexual reactions to my loss and I thought it would be useful to write them down because writing is how I process. Then I googled sexual reactions to grief and was dismayed. Most articles claim that sex drive decreases with grief, especially among women. A few places recognize that hypersexuality is a reaction, but there is very little about it as a positive force, or indeed about engaging with it when it is a response. This is nonsense! I believe that as long as a grieving person (me!) is not being destructive and is not doing anything to harm herself or others, then she is grieving appropriately.

I heard about my loss at 11pm while I was at a friend’s two hours from where I live with my husband. I had to get home to him, get my transport arrangements sorted to get back to my family, pack, and try to get some rest before leaving to go home to my family all in the space of seven hours. The only reason that I did not have sex was because of the time, but my libido went through the roof.

My mind is what you might call overactive, or at the very least easily distracted. Even during sex my mind wanders onto random things. There are only two moments where my mind cannot be distracted without major effort on someone else’s part: when I am having an orgasm or in subspace. Herein lies my reaction to sex the last fortnight. I have been rather needy for sex, and of course I have snuggled and been intimate, but I have not wanted slow, romantic lovemaking. What I have wanted is the intensity of D/s lovemaking or D/s fucking.

My husband is also grieving and his initial reaction was not sexual. But my desire felt so strong that I even considered contacting my old Dom, James, for sex, or asking hubby if I could have a session with him, or somehow pursue a sexual situation in some way. But, this would have been damaging and destructive. Being intimate with James would have been a short-term fix for a long-term problem and the fix would have caused a whole heap of other problems. I am grieving, I am not capable of making decisions that will affect my future and I have to recognize that. Luckily I did realize that! I also realized that sex was not a need in the short term, but also that it was perfectly fine to want nothing more than to be dominated to the extent that I could find calm in a subspace. But that had to happen within my existing safe and happy relationship structure.

Last night my husband and I had sex again for the first time since our loss. It was the first time we both felt comfortable with what the other wanted and needed. It was romantic, gentle, soft, kind, loving, and involved him giving me commands. I didn’t reach a subspace but I had wonderful orgasms as he came down my throat, my mind and my body and my heart were free with the person I love. Performing sexual acts while grieving should not be something to be ashamed of, but it somehow seems to be seen as such by many.

As people we are physical, mental, and if you think that way also spiritual beings. In order to be complete people our hearts, our bodies, and our minds need to be connected. We need to be able to release our energy in the ways we need to in order to find balance again. A major hole in my world has been made, my balance has been broken and it feels like hell. I am having nightmares, my appetite is off whack, my brain feels like sludge and I burst into hysterics at random times, but at other times everything feels like nothing has happened. I know this is all normal. I am in the early stages of grief, it will take a long time to process what has happened. There will be many changes to my needs and desires. I need to be gentle on myself. I need to let my energies come out because bottling them up will lead to disaster. If some of these are sexual energies and involve begging my husband to fuck my mouth then that is necessary too.

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This post vaguely meets the prompt for the Thirty Days of Kink meme, Day 30: Whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want to write about.

A Thousand Sinful Stitches

This is detail from my latest large cross-stitch project. I finished it two nights ago. Such a relaxing hobby, I love it, but please don't let the image of it as a fuddy-duddy hobby put you off trying it. There are so many different styles and projects, you can sew anything, including the erotic arts. Here is the finished piece, just waiting for a wash, iron, and a frame.

I wish I could say this was designed by me, but no, I just followed a pattern by Country Needlecraft.

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Finishing the lady was #53 on my 101 things list.
The photo's were taken for Sinful Sunday, I suspect cross-stitch is a first for it! Clickety click for sexy photos.