Monday, 25 February 2013

Eroticon and Sex Education

Edited 6th March:
As it turns out, life became a wee-bit complicated so I couldn't make Eroticon, which is what this post is about. Next year though, next year!
This Sunday I am off to Eroticon, a sex blogger and erotic writer's conference. I plan on writing reports on the three sessions on my “must attend” list for those who miss them.

“Diversity 2: Polyamory 101” with Lori Smith and Amanda Jones. Technically, I am not sure I need to go to a Poly 101 session, having been immersed within it for a couple of years now. However, I am enthusiastic to hear from different people and these two women are fab. It is always possible to learn more and my experience of the poly community in England is patchy to say the least.

“Diversity 3: Getting the Language of Sex Right” with Justin Hancock (of BISH fame). This session is about using clear and inclusive sexual and gender diverse language. I try to be good (see me polishing my shiny halo), and I hope this will confirm it, or at least show me where I go wrong. Sadly, this session clashes with Molly Moore’s talk “Top Ten Tips for Bloggers.” It is aimed at people who want to increase blog traffic, and as much as I want to see Molly speak, I write my blog for me and any additional traffic is a bonus. Attending a session on diversity is, however, an important part of my personal development.

“Sex Education 2: Storytelling and Sex” with Brooke, Emily Dubberly and Meg Barker is my final absolute must session. This is for two reasons. First, Meg Barker. Her blog and book “Rewriting the Rules” is fantastic and I find the way she combines campaigning and academic work inspirational. Second, to match the previous session I really want to improve how I explore and discuss sex issues so that it can be informative. Having read some blog posts which give a negative message (rightly or wrong representing what is being presented), I feel a responsibility to portray my experiences in a useful and helpful way. I choose to make my stories public and so I must be careful that even a casual reader who encounters a single post through Google won’t get a mistaken impression.

Initially, I had two reasons to go to Eroticon: social and professional. I wanted to meet fellow bloggers, have some fun, and make friends. Unfortunately, I will not have time to do this now, but I may still be able to develop my ideas about career diversification. I want to explore ways of beginning a new life and to see whether sex education, writing, counseling, or therapy are possibilities for me. Perhaps they won’t be, or perhaps Eroticon won’t help me find out, but maybe the sessions I attend will help and I am sure they will be informative all the same.

Friday, 22 February 2013

Grief and Sex

Over two weeks ago a very close family member died unexpectedly and under difficult circumstances. It has been an awful couple of weeks and it will continue to be so for many months, if not years. I have had some strong sexual reactions to my loss and I thought it would be useful to write them down because writing is how I process. Then I googled sexual reactions to grief and was dismayed. Most articles claim that sex drive decreases with grief, especially among women. A few places recognize that hypersexuality is a reaction, but there is very little about it as a positive force, or indeed about engaging with it when it is a response. This is nonsense! I believe that as long as a grieving person (me!) is not being destructive and is not doing anything to harm herself or others, then she is grieving appropriately.

I heard about my loss at 11pm while I was at a friend’s two hours from where I live with my husband. I had to get home to him, get my transport arrangements sorted to get back to my family, pack, and try to get some rest before leaving to go home to my family all in the space of seven hours. The only reason that I did not have sex was because of the time, but my libido went through the roof.

My mind is what you might call overactive, or at the very least easily distracted. Even during sex my mind wanders onto random things. There are only two moments where my mind cannot be distracted without major effort on someone else’s part: when I am having an orgasm or in subspace. Herein lies my reaction to sex the last fortnight. I have been rather needy for sex, and of course I have snuggled and been intimate, but I have not wanted slow, romantic lovemaking. What I have wanted is the intensity of D/s lovemaking or D/s fucking.

My husband is also grieving and his initial reaction was not sexual. But my desire felt so strong that I even considered contacting my old Dom, James, for sex, or asking hubby if I could have a session with him, or somehow pursue a sexual situation in some way. But, this would have been damaging and destructive. Being intimate with James would have been a short-term fix for a long-term problem and the fix would have caused a whole heap of other problems. I am grieving, I am not capable of making decisions that will affect my future and I have to recognize that. Luckily I did realize that! I also realized that sex was not a need in the short term, but also that it was perfectly fine to want nothing more than to be dominated to the extent that I could find calm in a subspace. But that had to happen within my existing safe and happy relationship structure.

Last night my husband and I had sex again for the first time since our loss. It was the first time we both felt comfortable with what the other wanted and needed. It was romantic, gentle, soft, kind, loving, and involved him giving me commands. I didn’t reach a subspace but I had wonderful orgasms as he came down my throat, my mind and my body and my heart were free with the person I love. Performing sexual acts while grieving should not be something to be ashamed of, but it somehow seems to be seen as such by many.

As people we are physical, mental, and if you think that way also spiritual beings. In order to be complete people our hearts, our bodies, and our minds need to be connected. We need to be able to release our energy in the ways we need to in order to find balance again. A major hole in my world has been made, my balance has been broken and it feels like hell. I am having nightmares, my appetite is off whack, my brain feels like sludge and I burst into hysterics at random times, but at other times everything feels like nothing has happened. I know this is all normal. I am in the early stages of grief, it will take a long time to process what has happened. There will be many changes to my needs and desires. I need to be gentle on myself. I need to let my energies come out because bottling them up will lead to disaster. If some of these are sexual energies and involve begging my husband to fuck my mouth then that is necessary too.



This post vaguely meets the prompt for the Thirty Days of Kink meme, Day 30: Whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want to write about.

Sunday, 3 February 2013

A Thousand Sinful Stitches

This is detail from my latest large cross-stitch project. I finished it two nights ago. Such a relaxing hobby, I love it, but please don't let the image of it as a fuddy-duddy hobby put you off trying it. There are so many different styles and projects, you can sew anything, including the erotic arts. Here is the finished piece, just waiting for a wash, iron, and a frame.

I wish I could say this was designed by me, but no, I just followed a pattern by Country Needlecraft.

Finishing the lady was #53 on my 101 things list.
The photo's were taken for Sinful Sunday, I suspect cross-stitch is a first for it! Clickety click for sexy photos.
Sinful Sunday