The End or A New Beginning?

The clichéd title of this post may reflect a whole variety of things about my life, my career and my marriage, but mainly it reflects this blog. For all of the elements a new beginning is accurate, but the blog, it may be the end. I don't know yet, but I wanted something out there to explain my silence, other than "yet another sex and relationship blog bites the dust." So, where am I?

1) The 101 Things To Do List is coming along brilliantly. I came out to a group of people, collected another qualification, got my professional website set-up, went to a three-star Michelin restaurant and more. If I get a chance I'll update the list.

2) Hubby has a dominant streak a mile wide. Seriously, it's amazing. He has learnt to enjoy the domestic dominance and controlling me with just a look or a subtle change in tone in his voice. It adds another very strong bond to our relationship and a sexual frisson that wasn't there before. Not to mention, he really likes metal and controlling my orgasms, the latter is awesome - the former is terrifying (in a good way of course). It makes me sad how much amazing sex he (and I) missed out on, but hapy he is finally finding it AND WITH ME! Yey!

So, if this is great and there are some positive things to explore in this blog, why could this be my last post? There are three reasons:

1) I was getting addicted to the blogging world. While I don't see a problem with this, I am an oversharer and need to control the natural honesty policy I have. I generally confess everything (to give you an idea, I broke a washing machine in a rented house 20 years ago, I still feel guilty because I never owned up). I don't like not sharing my actions, thoughts, and dreams with people. It feels icky. The very close bereavement I had, followed by a health scare that started two days after my Knife Play post and lasted a whole month, gave me a chance to kill the addiction and not spill out the secrets of everyone I know.

2) I met someone (in case you've forgotten, I am polyamorous, hubby is monogamous, complex emotional dramas ensue). This guy is charming, funny, attractive, clever, and sexy. I was trying to work out how to be friends with him, while negotiating my (and his) desires, hubby's nervousness, and this new guy's personal situation - a closed relationship. I point blank refuse to "go there" because I believe I have a moral responsibility to someone I have never met (and boy, does that put Paul in perspective, I only blamed myself for that situation and defended his innocence - nonsense!). Playing with boundaries like that is complex. I wrote so many blogs about the friendship (which is ongoing), but this is the first I have posted about it because I have not asked his permission to share his story. I don't know if I have the right.

3) Mainly though, this may be the end because of hubby. Something VERY, VERY major has happened to his health. It limits what he - what we - can do in our daily lives and it will do, to varying degrees, forever. His health is his story to tell, but without sharing it more I would be limited in what sexy times I could write about because it effects that too. Maybe in the future the blog can change and talk specifically about that, but not now.

If you reached the end of this post, whoop whoop, go you! If you have ever commented on any of my posts, thank you with bells whistles and plenty of spanks. You really made a big difference to mine and hubby's life. I am sorry to be leaving and hope to be back someday.

All the best,

Emily

PS How could this post go ahead without being part of a meme? No way! Clickety Click

Understanding Sex and Emotions in Relationships (Part Two)

In the first part of this blog post I talked about the three kinds of love I most easily recognize in my relationship history: Philia, a loving friendship; Eros, a passionate love; Agape, Companionate Love. Even here, however, it isn’t that simple because a relationship may include two of these with or without sex. To explain myself a little clearer what follows is a result of my self-reflection, particularly for the benefit of understanding my polyamorous feelings. 

Of course, all but a few of these are “in hindsight” and as such, they are clouded by events long-since past and all manner of other fuzzy influences on the mind! 

Another thing, it is worth noting that of the following relationships, not all of them would still interest me, especially the first two… 

• Casual sex - one night stands
• Friends With Benefits - ongoing physically sexually intimate relationships with people I care about and want to spend time with because I like them as people but not with a strong emotional connection
• Philia With Benefits - friends I have physical relationships with and whom I love as friends but not necessarily as a partner (“to date”). In my experience this is extraordinarily hard for people to understand. I wonder if I would be able to do this again, it is hard to explain to someone the differences between loves and when sex is added into the mix things get messy irrespective of whether or not I have been honest about my love for the person. The person I shared my virginity with was a friend like this. We dated for two years, I broke his heart.
• Philia Without Benefits - friends I love deeply but do not want to “date” or have sex with. This is a truly astounding sort of friendship, and in my personal history very rare. I can probably name only five like this. Friends whom I truly love but have never shared any physical connection. This is perhaps because when I meet a person I always consider them sexually before anything else, almost subconsciously. I have since I was a teenager. In a future blog I will try to explain it.
• Eros Without Benefits – people with whom I have wanted to be physically intimate and “date,” yet for some reason it could not or did not happen.
• Eros With Benefits - To be honest, with me this is the kind of relationship that tends to be governed by New Relationship Energy and never lasts more than three months. It is something I learnt to control a long time ago and now I no longer suffer this kind of situation. They are enormous fun but also emotionally draining and an easy way to get yourself into difficult situations. Alas, I find this the easiest sort of love and relationship to come by.
• Eros and Philia With Benefits – Other than my husband, the two longest relationships I have had have had this, although with one of them the Eros fizzled out quite quickly. The other lasted almost the entire five years of our relationship (the second longest, other than with my husband). When the Eros left it didn’t take long for us to break up. We have been close friends ever since – for almost fifteen years now! So close in fact that the penultimate sort of loving relationship I will describe I share with him.
• Agape and Philia Without Benefits - I've had this twice. One I just mentioned and one with a man I deeply adore but with whom I can never have a relationship in the traditional sense, much to both of our sorrow (he is a married vicar…).
• Agape and Philia With Benefits – I have this with my husband Nic. I have only ever had it with him. Magically, in the last few months Eros has been developing between us. Something I find truly exceptional after ten years together (we met almost eleven years ago to the day). I hope in the coming months I will be able to add “Agape and Philia and Eros With Benefits.” Either way, Agape is the hardest of loves to find and it is a special thing to share it with my husband. I am extraordinarily lucky.

 

So, this has been long-winded and I doubt anybody made it this far (gold star if you did!). But, it has been a useful exercise and that is what self-reflection is for. Before I go, I want to say:

• Just because I do not have Philia for a person, does not mean that I am not friends with a person.
• Just because I do not have Eros for a person, does not mean that I do not want to fuck them.
• Just because I do not have Agape for a person, does not mean that I do not enjoy hanging out watching DVDs with them.

Love and friendship and sex is a many wondrous and complicated thing!

 

Understanding Sex and Emotions in Relationships (Part One)

It has been a long time since I have written anything about my polyamory, I think that needs to change now. This is the first post of many I am planning in the coming weeks.

One of the oddest things about polyamory is the way that simple definitions don’t work. When in a monogamous relationship, the assumption is always that we are “just good friends,” “friends with benefits,” “dating,” “serious,” “living together,” “married.” All of these statements are about status. They say little about feelings or sexual connections. One assumes, based upon the status of the couple, what the emotional and physical relationship is, but that is total nonsense. Plenty of married people can’t stand each other, and plenty of “friends with benefits” have at least one party in love with the other. Of course, most monogamous people realize this, especially in an active conversation, but it isn’t the standard passive assumption.

Hardwired poly folk (as opposed to people who find themselves in a poly situation), have a constant awareness and an ongoing internal and external process. We don’t define relationships in the same way as mono people because we actively know, accept, explore, and live with our feelings for other people. We are also far more aware of the changing nature of relationships, probably because we so actively know there are different types of love and different ways of feeling love for people at the same time.

As part of my exploration of my own polyamory I looked at my past relationships and tried to explore them through the idea of love and sex. It was insanely complicated and I don’t think I could ever do it full justice, but I tried.

To begin with, such an exploration needs to recognize different types of love. If you do a Google search for “types of love” you find schematics of four, five, ten, fifteen and no doubt more if you can be bothered. For me, in my own world, I keep it simple with three sorts: Philia, a loving friendship; Eros, a passionate love; Agape, a companionate love (for the Greek scholars out there, many apologies for simplifying and appropriating such complex terms!).

Philia: This is when I love a person and want to spend time with them because they make me laugh, challenge me, entertain me, please me. And I want to do the same for them. It is based on mutual respect, loyalty, and appreciation.

Eros: This is what is often meant by being “in love” with someone. I hate the phrase because it seems so unrealistic, so juvenile, so insignificant. Yet, it is also handy. For me, it is a kind of love that transmutes and becomes something else, perhaps even dissipating completely. I have often confused New Relationship Energy with Eros, with being “in love.”

Agape: This is the kind of lasting love, a love that is ongoing and comfortable. For me, it is the love that gives me inner peace. It is when I can sit on a sofa with someone for hours while we do our own thing and never needing to say a word. It is when I can make dinner with someone and we both know what we need to do without speaking. It is the kind of love that makes me want to take afternoon walks with a person, see the world with them, and never lose them. It is unconditional and rare.

There are, of course, dozens of ways to categorize and analyze my relationships and my sorts of loving experiences, but these are the kinds of love I experience. One of the greatest difficulties is to recognize and acknowledge these feelings to others. How, for example, did I tell my husband that I never experienced Eros for him? Although in the last few months this has truly been developing; such a wonder to develop the most transient sort of love after ten years! From another angle, how many fuck buddies would really understand that I loved them in the sense of Philia, but not even Eros, especially when we were often so much more than fuck buddies? Most would be confused.

Emotions are complex and we need to explore them for our own mental well-being. What, how, and when we share our feelings should also be for our own mental well-being, and only by being honest with ourselves can we develop this concept.

In the second part of this blog post, I will explore the different types of relationships I have had, and, simple it isn’t!

Bloghop: My Mind's Murky Murkdom

I was asked by the wonderful, intelligent, oh so sexy Flexibeast to join in the bloghop experience. It is a way to interview yourself on a topic of your choosing. Here is her "Bloghop" post, it is amusing and entertaining (but also, when you read between the lines, sad and poignant). It is a satire about becoming a woman for the fifth column of patriarchy. Please follow her on Twitter, she is a hoot!

So, here are my questions.

Most importantly: what is your favorite color?
PURPLE!!!!

Why did you start the blog?

The last session Nic and I had with our sex/poly/relationship therapist was a real eye-opener. The therapist made us realize that we don’t have to deal with our situation in the same way. I kept trying to get Nic to read blogs, books, and articles. I wanted him to come to meetings and join a community. None of that helped him; in fact, it made things worse. What we agreed was that we each need to live our lives in the way we want and it is only our joint lives where we need to work together. Thus, he spends time with monogamous, fairly heteronormative people; and I spend time with a whole variety of queer folk. One of the things I realized was that I also needed a kinky network. I needed to find a way to think about, write about, and explore my kinky side within the framework of my polyamory. This blog has been astounding for that!

Why the pseudonym Emily Daniel?

When I was in my last D/s relationship, Sir thought it a good idea that we use alternative names to try to distance ourselves when roleplaying. I thought it a ridiculous idea, and so it proved to be. The names we tried to use were Emily and Daniel (for reasons I will not share). They are also the names of a couple on the TV show Revenge. It is a show hubby and I watch religiously together. I like symmetry in life, and this seemed like a lovely form.

How would your blog and Twitter followers react if they knew your offline identity, specifically what work you do?
It would vary dramatically. Some would be amused, others fascinated, but others might be horrified. I am a professional person, largely self-employed, and I work for Not-For-Profit agencies.

How many people in your offline world know the blog?

My husband (Nic), our therapist, my former Sir (James or the "Daniel" in my pseudonym), and a very good friend (let’s call him Dan, who I hope will write a guest blog for me one day. He is a great chap and very interesting!). One female friend knows about the blog, we met first and at some stage decided to exchange offline identities too. Fabby sexy lady, but her identity would out both of us! Additionally, one person knows that I have a blog but does not have any of the details.

How would people in your offline world react to the blog, particularly its contents?

Again, the responses would vary. Friends who know me very well might be slightly embarrassed but wouldn’t be shocked. My in-laws would be disgusted and horrified and may well suggest my husband divorce me. My family would be grossed out, but not at all surprised. My professional colleagues would vary between black-listing me from employment, disgust, amusement, and indifference. Some of them might even find a new respect for me. I have often been called a “prude.” By all accounts I give off an innocent vibe until people get to know me.

Do you want to come-out?

The short answer is absolutely! If it were just me, I would scream my identity from the rooftops and join campaign groups (I’m big on community activities!), but this blog is about my husband and other persons I know. That would be terribly unfair on them, most especially my husband. At some point we might get found out, some unpleasant person may decide to out me for kicks. If/when that happens we will deal with the fallout. In the meantime I am increasingly telling people that I like women, am kinky, and so on. It takes time, patience, and resilience to deal with their reactions.

If you could make money from sex would you want to and if so, how?

I would quite like to write about sex and get paid for it, but there is little money in such an endeavor. There is, however, something I have been thinking seriously about for a while. I have been considering becoming a sex therapist. Having experienced appalling and astounding therapists, I would like to give something back. There needs to be more understanding sex-positive therapists who are accepting of diversity. Over the years many people have suggested I become a therapist, but it is only since my own positive experiences of therapy have I thought about it. This is something I shall consider over the next year or two. It would, however, require complete acceptance from my husband, especially as I would actively wish to work with people who have alternative relationship structures and who do not fit within Gayle Rubin's Charmed Circle. This requires more of an open lifestyle policy than we currently have.

Anything else you would like to add?
I am currently writing a short story/novella/novel (I will see where the muse takes me) about a priest and a young male criminal. Oh, how I love my Priest!kink (that exclamation mark, right there, is deliberate and part of a specific language tied to a very specific community. If you understand it, you will find out my main hobby in the whole wide world).

Now I pass the baton to Clive at Clive Journeys Into Kink. I love Clive, really, I have a (now not at all) secret crush. His posts are humorous, irreverant, and usually include willies and panties. "Willy Hunt" is one of my favorite posts of his. And, this is his Bloghop post "Not to be Published." As expected, it is FANTASTIC, and all about pink panties.

Personal Polyamory Manifesto

Yesterday's post was about bringing closure to my first official Poly relationship. I received many wonderful comments from readers. But one, by Stella's Kink, highlighted the significance of the experience for me as a poly person. Stella's Kink wrote:

"A tough situation to be in, but one you will surely learn from and look back on with fondness as you remember your first partner in your poly marriage. Regardless the pain it initially caused, it is an experience you will be the better for having. <>"

This inspired me to postpone my "Vaginal Orgasm" post and publish this, my "Personal Polyamory Manifesto". I wrote it during one of my darker periods within that first relationship. It helped me realize what I wanted from a poly relationship. It has been helpful to remember. Of course, it is something to strive for and not something to stick to rigidly, but by striving for it I can keep myself, my husband and my other partner/s safe.

The point of being poly is, for me, freedom to be able to follow my heart and, to an extent, explore my kinks in a safe space. It is not about deliberately finding sexual partners or deliberately looking for someone else, but about being able to embrace possibilities and be myself. I hope that comes across in my manifesto.

I Want
To be happy
For my loved ones to be happy
Not to have casual, random sex
Strong emotional bonds and friendships
Open, honest, direct, and explicit communication using “I” statements
To be free to love whom I love, how I want to love them
For my husband and my “partner/s” to feel safe
To feel safe
The opportunity to love and fulfill the needs of my " partner /s"
There to be an opportunity for my " partner /s" to become part of my family, if we all wish it
For my husband and my “partner /s” to become acquainted
Mutual respect
To be emotionally, physically, spiritually fulfilled
For my partner/s to be emotionally, physically, spiritually fulfilled
The opportunity for my “partner/s” to be involved in my life and to know my family and friends
I want ground rules

Ground Rules
Be honest to yourself
Be honest to everyone involved
Communicate, Communicate, Communicate
My husband and I will continue to live together and share our love, lives, and finances
Going out with others will be planned and scheduled
I don't want to know the details of a sexual experience, but I would want to know if one occurred, I would give the same respect
Practice safer sex
If a relationship ends it is not to be because it has been “vetoed.” If a relationship ends it should be because the relationship has run its natural course
Try to meet the “partner/s” of my partner/s
Keep everyone informed, discuss, and communicate changes in relationship situations and feelings
Be aware of and cautious of New Relationship Energy, do not make hasty judgments based on it

I am new to the life of polyamory and my manifesto will no doubt change as I change, but for now I think this works.

Blowing a Kiss ... Goodbye

In April I met James, I’ve spoken about him a little elsewhere. We had a super connection, great sex, and a wonderfully fun, entertaining time. But, it was complicated, we lived hundreds of miles apart and he was the first partner I’ve had in my newly poly marriage.

The first three months were great. In the fourth month he got a job. Great! But, James stopped the D/s component of the relationship. The D/s feelings transmuted into other emotions, ranging between anger, sorrow, warmth, adoration. In a way I needed aftercare from the loss of my Dom, but my Dom was still there. It was horrible.

We split up after four months ... sort of. We spent months five and six fluctuating wildly between playing, getting emotional, flirting, and fighting. At various times we stopped talking, kept casual contact, and had more regular contact. A few days ago we finally agreed to amicably break contact.

It sounds like a teenage affair, except my teenage relationships were so damn stable! This is easily the least stable relationship I have had.

So, to say goodbye to my time with James and to bring closure, I ask "why?" We couldn't be together because of the lack of money, and the practicalities of long distance relationships. For him the lack of the prospect of meeting regularly was a killer, but for me the loss of the intense communication and online D/s dynamic was the killer. James wanted to be someone's primary, I wanted someone who would accept me how I was, who wouldn't shut themselves off from me because of the difficult circumstances.

But why couldn't we be friends? Quite simply, it was because we had too much potential to be more than friends, just being friends was impossible. We couldn't flirt without it leading to sex. We couldn't be ourselves without wanting to flirt. We couldn't share our lives without falling back into an emotional relationship. We both felt awful when we didn´t reply to emails, but we both sat there waiting for emails. We were both monitoring everything we said, trying not to say anything that would lead us back into a relationship. We realized we cared deeply but were acting like acquaintances. It was making us both feel anxious and making both of our lives more difficult.

One thing I am incredibly happy about is that none of this had anything to do with my husband. Nic never tried to stop the situation. He even hugged me when everything went wrong with James. James never challenged or questioned my marriage. Neither of them liked the situation, but they both understood it and neither of them used it to bludgeon me with. James and I did not stop dating nor stop being friends because of polyamory, and for that I am grateful and relieved to both Nic and James. But it shows that relationships are always complicated and, if anything, as a polyamorous person it is easier to say I have too much heart than to say I have none. I will always care.

We were together for such a short time, the impact of him on my life seems unbelievable, but we were there for each other at very difficult times of our lives. I had major problems with work, my future direction, and my sexual identity. He helped me through that, while I helped him through a period of major depression, helped him with his fledgling business and supported him as he found new work.

We stopped being friends because in the end we agreed we just didn´t need each other as much anymore, and yet we wanted each other too much to keep our distance. In the end the only solution was total separation.

I place my grief for the loss of a friend and for the lost potential of a relationship here. By doing so, I cast out the feelings and I move on. Goodbye James, I hope you find what you’re looking for.

This was written for Wicked Wednesday, pop over and have a look.

 

 

Relationship Wheel

One of the reasons my husband and I were able to recover from my cheating, move onto the open marriage path and go from having virtually no (and mediocre) sex to fabulous sex was because we explored how we looked at ourselves as individuals and our relationship. One of the things we did was to work through the exercises in Love Unlimited, a book by Leonie Linssen and Stephan Wik. For Nic and I the most helpful exercise in the book is the “Relationship Wheel.”

The Relationship Wheel is a way of looking at what a specific relationship means for you. If your partner/s also create a Relationship Wheel, it can show up differences and similarities between your attitudes to your relationship. This can reinforce positive opinions, build confidence in your relationship, and help to resolve conflicts bought on by misunderstandings. To create a Relationship Wheel, you might consider thinking about the significance of ten categories and how important they are in your relationship:

• Emotional
• Physical (nonsexual and/or sexual)
• Recreational
• Economic
• Family
• Spiritual
• Intellectual
• Passionate (not erotic passion, but sharing a passion i.e. for gender equality, social justice)
• Cultural
• Esthetic (sense of beauty, i.e. art and design)

The thing to remember about relationships is that they change, so when you, your partner, or your situation changes so will the wheel, it is never fixed. When I first completed the wheel for my relationship with Nic (about 15 months ago), this is what I came up with:

Nic also completed the wheel. He didn’t feel the economic connection to me (he was the higher earner, so it was less relevant), nor the esthetic connection (interior decorating seemed to be less important to him, *sigh*). But, everything else matched almost exactly! We even had the same difficulty with expressing how important the physical aspect of our relationship was for us. We had already been seeing a sex therapist for about two years at this point and we had all manner of difficulties, but the physical contact we did have was very important for both of us, particularly hugs and snuggles.

This is where Relationship Wheels become really helpful for people in multiple relationships. Although, at the time, sex was not how I felt connected to my husband, sex in and of itself was very important for me. By showing Nic that sex had nothing to do with why I loved him and why I enjoyed being with him, I was able to explain more easily that my need for sex was not to do with him. My need for sex is a deep part of my psyche and, while it would have been wonderful to have great sex with my husband, that was not why I was with him.

Through the Relationship Wheel we were able to openly discuss this while knowing how wonderfully matched as a pair we are in nearly all ways. Relationship Wheels helped me explain how there is space for me to have certain needs met elsewhere.

As an example of how Relationship Wheels work for different people, here is a wheel I created for my relationship with James, my play-partner/boyfriend until recently. Our relationship changed a lot and often, but this is a fair summary of how I viewed it as a whole.

My wheels for Nic and James are totally different. More than that, whereas Nic's wheel was very similar to mine, James's wheel for me would probably be more physical (a difference which helped lead to our break-up). I don’t love Nic any less because of James (more, if truth be told, how amazing of Nic to let me have a partner!). Likewise, I don’t desire James any less because of Nic. What I have/had with each of the men were and are unique relationships.

So, what about my Relationship Wheel with Nic now? If I were to complete the wheel today, it would look similar but the esthetic connection would no longer be there (the house is finished!). The physical connection would be slightly larger. Criticially I would no longer say that the physical connection is only about hugs and snuggles, I also feel connected to him sexually! Hoorah! That doesn’t mean, however, that there isn't space in my life for other people, whether as friends, lovers, or "significant others." In fact, right now I could create Relationship Wheels for everybody I know, irrespective of the label I and others may give the relationship.

Relationship Wheels helped Nic and I explore how we saw each other, how we see ourselves, and the different elements of relationships we need from different people. It is a deceptively simple exercize which challenges and entertains at the same time!

Coming out to Friends: One Time I Didn’t, Five Time I Did

It is not easy for me to come out of the closet as heteroflexible, kinky, and poly. My husband’s family and friends are very conservative and my job is weirder than weird. I am a heart-on-sleeve kind of girl though, so I like to come out to my closest friends.

The easiest way of doing this is usually by discussing sex-positive approaches to gender and sexuality. One time it went very badly:

The scholar (30 years): Sex-positive people all wear leather and sit at the back of rooms masturbating. They are just weird and hate people who like normal sex. (Needless to say, this was the end of the conversation. I never outed myself in any way. I’ve hardly spoken to her since. Her attitudes diminished her in my eyes and made me sad.)

Most people I’m friends with are at least sex-positive. If they are, I admit to being a bit kinky. The joy of this is that people judge me based on their own perception of what kinky is. A friend of mine described himself as kinky because he once had sex in a forest. Other people assume it means light bondage, others anal sex. Very few assume it means being used as a toilet. If people show genuine interest, a caring attitude, and openness, I add a little more to the kinky discussion. Sadly most people never get that much out of me. Those who are the most open, and least likely to reject me, I come out to as poly.

The results are always different. Here are five examples:

The blogger (33 years): My wife and I have said that if anything happens, for whatever reason, we shouldn’t feel bad about it and we shouldn’t feel the need to tell each other. Lifelong monogamy is unrealistic.

The vicar (47 years): So, are you are swinger? Your life must be very complicated. I don’t want to know if you do anything with anyone I know. I’m here for you with the rest of it. As long as you are happy and Nic is ok with it.

The receptionist (33 years): Is Nic ok with it? I can understand if it’s a bit weird for him. I’m jealous, I wish my husband would accept that. He’d divorce me if I even suggested it.

The teacher (40 years): Oh, good for you. I had a year-long relationship with another woman and my husband was ok with it. We’ve been so much happier since.

The writer (32 years): Oh, ok, I’ve only ever kissed one person, I’ve never had sex, and I’m happy. Isn’t it great we are all different!

How Not to Open a Marriage (or 14 Steps to Opening a Monogamous Relationship, part two)

In my last post I described how hubby and I made the initial steps to opening our monogamous marriage. In this one I describe the ever so complicated steps of meeting a guy, wanting to fuck him, and somehow ending up with a boyfriend. Sound complicated? It was a million times worse. To say this relationship could be the subject of twenty posts is an understatement. I have a diary of it, 30,000 words at least! Crazy times. But, for now, I’m focusing on them through the somewhat less chaotic gaze of Anita Wagner’s 14 Steps to Opening a Monogamous Relationship; the first 8 were discussed here.

Having fairly successfully progressed along the path to polyamory, I was merrily enjoying a little freedom. Nothing too crazy, just flirting and snuggling and maybe even the odd non-sexy kiss, but definitely more than your “average” mono couple would normally accept. One weekend I went to a festival and spent some time enjoying my new found freedom. Then I met James. This guy was gorgeous. If you could describe the appearance of my perfect guy, it would have been him. Needless to say I did nothing, no snuggles, no cuddling, no little kisses, nada. I told him I was poly (such a good girl, I was so up front) and we exchanged email addresses. We lived about 6 hours apart from each other so I didn’t expect anything to happen. Within a couple of days we were exchanging internet porn, after a few more days we were writing porn for each other. Yep, this guy shared all my filthy fetishes. HEAVEN! After less than a week I realized I couldn’t carry on like this and I needed to chat to hubby about it. We hadn’t made any rules about internet sex and I didn’t want to do more without permission.

So, what is the ninth stage in Wagner’s 14 steps?

“make a date to talk (with your partner) again and to make a plan as to how it (a poly relationship) might go initially. Put it in writing. NOTE: It is vastly preferable to take these steps BEFORE you meet and develop an interest in a new love”

FUCK-A-DOODLE-DOO!

Way to screw up the plan! I had two choices. The first was to ask Nic and hope he would be ok with everything. The second was to forget the new guy and return to the plan. I was convinced that this new guy was an ideal way to “break hubby in” to me having a more long-term and more physically intimate relationship with another person. There was distance. It really was (at that time) just about getting extra kicks to masturbate with. It was safe. For good or for ill, I decided to ignore the plan and speak to Nic. To his amazing credit, Nic had very few doubts. He mulled it over for a few days, he told me to play while he was at work to see how it felt to come home to me knowing what I had done. He was not only fine with it, but he had enormous amounts of compersion.

During the weeks of online play time, I practiced the 10^th step in Wagner’s plan: thinking about Nic’s self-esteem, his confidence, and any sense of abandonment he might express. I continued to reassure him how much I needed, loved, and wanted him. We continued spending more, not less time together. All in all it was going well, or so I thought. While I was talking to Nic about my internet play-partner, Nic wasn’t talking to me about the situation. In hindsight this was a giant red flag of doomy doom doom! Isn’t hindsight wonderful?

From this point on, nothing went according to the 14-step plan. I should have made baby steps. I should have asked for permission to speak with James on the phone, to Skype with him, to meet him for coffee, for dinner, for a movie. I should have done all of those things. Instead I developed a fairly intense D/s dynamic with James. I worked from home and while Nic was at the office during the days (about 11 hours), James would control my whole day. It was wonderful, but probably not wise given the situation. Then something happened. For work, I had to travel to the town where James lived. The coincidence was too cool to miss. I asked Nic if I could have a real life BDSM session with James. All I could see was the opportunity to have a proper, intense anal-play and spanking experience. More than this, the guy was also into piss-play, one of my favorite fetishes (none of my previous partners were ever interested, how sad for me). I just wanted to be pissed on. Was this New Relationship Energy? No. I’ve experienced that and for me it feels a whole lot like love, for about three months, then it goes away again. At the time I was incredibly attached to James as his pet, but I had yet to build an emotional attachment to him outside of that dynamic. I really just wanted to be his sex-slave.

Perhaps understandably, Nic was uncomfortable with the D/s dynamic, but he learnt that it was helpful for me to get through an insanely difficult period in my work. As for meeting up, Nic reacted with an immediate “no way.” Had I been more patient I would have taken him at his word there and then. But he quickly turned his “no” to a “maybe” and that was enough for me to open the discussion further. We never fought about it. We never argued or raised our voices. We sometimes cried. We told each other we loved each other. We even went on holiday (and had a great time). We laughed. Mainly we talked and talked and talked and talked and talked. We negotiated. We went from “no meeting” to “meeting with hand holding and cuddles” to “overnight with spanking, piss-play, but no oral, anal or vaginal sex with anything other than toys.” The reasons were odd. Nic didn’t want me to have “a date” with James. This would have been romantic. But, he understood that the D/s dynamic Nic and I had built online was very different to romance so he became more comfortable with that as an idea. (In hindsight I should have seen the red flags here. Nic had always been fine with the emotional relationships I developed, but not the physical ones. This was surely a sign he wasn’t thinking clearly about the situation or learning how to work with, and not against, his feelings.) Every time he had major doubts I offered to cancel the whole thing. Every single time he said “no, if it has to happen, this is as good a time as any.”

Nic and I both had doubts. We both ignored them. I did spend the night with James. I had a truly astounding time. How Nic was when I was away is his story to tell, but it is a horrible story and one which will make me feel sad to the end of my days. Needless to say, the experience upon my return was truly unpleasant. We had a difficult couple of weeks. It seems that Nic, despite his natural compersion (which he also felt when I spent the night with James), had never been comfortable with the relationship. He never expressed his feelings though, for fear of upsetting me. He just let me have my online relationship while secretly disliking it and feeling increasingly abandoned. This only came out in the poly therapist's room. I was a little heartbroken to hear it. The poly therapist helped a lot. The answer, of course, was honesty with ourselves and communication with ourselves and each other. Rules to live by!

I saw James a couple more times after that, but we never did more than kiss and cuddle in person. We skyped a few times and spoke on the phone. We continued to email throughout the days. Nic became more comfortable with the situation and almost came to meet James with me on one occasion. We expressed ourselves much clearer and I drew back physically from James. All the while I was becoming more emotionally attached to him. Nic was fine with this. I guess he had become used to me having a “boyfriend” and talking about him. Nic would even ask how James was doing. It was amazing really, how it all worked so well at the end. It was the end though. The physical distance between James and myself and our growing emotional attachment, partly fuelled by the loss/transformation of the intense D/s dynamic, made it more difficult for us to stay together. Five months later and James and I have broken up, fairly acrimoniously.

I would love both of the guys to write their stories for this blog, perhaps Nic will one day, but James certainly won’t. As for hubby and I? We have become stronger through our mistakes. By diverting from the clearly laid out path we were easily able to see where we made things more difficult for ourselves than they needed to be. Nic had not been honest with himself or communicated everything with me. I lacked patience in my enthusiasm for kinky times with a super lovely guy. My judgment had been clouded.

But … to go back to the “should” I used earlier. There probably are no “shoulds.” As our poly therapist helped us realize, there are no rights and wrongs, only actions and consequences. It is impossible to know where Nic and I would be had we followed the path exactly. Now we are stronger, wiser, and happier because of our experiences and improved self-awareness and communication. Having said that, we have returned to Anita Wagner’s “14 Steps to Opening a Monogamous Relationship,” re-joining the plan at step 9. We will be making baby steps and at each stage in any new relationship I will ask for permission and make sure Nic is as comfortable as possible with the situation before progressing. In short, we will be listening to our instincts and those “doubts” a little more wisely. We are ready for the next relationship, if and when it comes along. I’m not looking, although if I meet someone I won’t be complaining, especially if they have spanking, filth and arse fetishes.

14 Steps to Opening a Monogamous Relationship (part one)

When I encountered the term polyamory I knew my world would never be the same again. I was relieved that there was a reason I had the feelings I did. I was terrified because I knew I had to address it. I read whatever I could find online. I joined a polyamory forum. I carried on trying to be monogamous for a year or two. It was only when I ignored my principles and cheated (a one-night stand) did I decide to tell my husband. I told him everything about polyamory and the other guy. I knew two things 1) Nic had a right to leave me because I’m poly, and 2) Nic had a right to leave me because I cheated. I told him knowing those facts, not because I wanted him to leave me, but because I wanted him to stay with me on the basis of honesty. He didn’t leave, thankfully. He was hurt, scared and angry, but not surprised (I finished with two guys to be with him). This was the first step in opening our marriage.

Anita Wagner’s  “14 Steps to Opening aMonogamous Relationship” is a simple but clear and effective way for embarking on the opening up process. For me, the process was helped considerably by changing therapists (all hail our wonderful poly therapist) and by the exercises in two books. One was Leonie Linssen’s Love Unlimited and the other was Tristan Taormino’s Opening Up. In a future post I hope to explore the usefulness of their exercises.

Of Wagner’s fourteen stages, the first eight took about six months to get through. Coming clean was the first one. I explained that I had had this realization, that it was nothing to do with my husband and that I could not ignore it. Nic never doubted me. As soon as I said it, a light-bulb went off for him just as it had for me. He didn’t want it to be true but, to be fair, neither did I.

Being poly was not, and never has been, about replacing Nic. The second stage in the opening up process involved me convincing him of this. I want and need him in my life. This was a difficult one! Intellectually he “got it” but emotionally he felt like I wanted to replace him. This has waned in time, but occasionally it still gets triggered and it is something we continue to work on. Speaking of intellectual and emotional differences: these are immense. My husband fully embraces the idea of polyamory as a logical way to live, but he does not feel that. The intellectual acceptance helps our situation, but because the intellectual and emotional are so at odds, we often have to revisit things and find new ways of approaching ideas and handling situations. Communication, understanding, and patience are key.

I would not be changing my mind was discussed in stage three. I would not suddenly have a monogamous mindset, I am a hard-wired polyamorous person (rather than someone who has just found themselves in a poly situation). This was obvious for both of us. I am very grateful for this.

The fourth stage was the acceptance that heartache is on both sides. I had to persuade Nic that the situation was hurting both of us, but differently, and that I wanted to find a way to make it work. This wasn’t a difficult thing to do. My husband never blamed me; he even felt sorry for me. I also had to accept his feelings, including his anger. This was very important for both of us. I have heard many instances where the poly partner rejects and resents the feelings of the mono partner. The poly person must recognize and accept that it is they who have changed and challenged the mono ideal. Only through accepting responsibility (although not through self-hatred, blame, or neglect) could I ever hope for my husband’s understanding and support in moving forward.

This led to the fifth stage, where I had to ask Nic if he was willing to commit to working on letting me see other people. It saddened Nic, but he did agree to try. He immediately told me that I should stop hiding myself away from people to whom I might be attracted. He told me to go to the places where I met the kind of people I like. He also told me it was fine for me to flirt and build emotional attachments to people. I did not ask for such an immediate and generous development but I was glad for it. It also made my life immediately better, to the point that Nic noticed how much happier I was. I cannot express my gratitude to him enough.

The seventh of the first eight stages was the hardest for Nic to accept. I needed him to accept the truth that I would love and care for him even when seeing someone else. Nic’s greatest difficulty with opening our marriage has been the feeling of abandonment. We work on this a lot and as a result the conversation about his importance in my life is a common one. We also work on our relationship by reinforcing it verbally, physically, and by going out and having fun together. Without a solid relationship it would be impossible to build the trust polyamorous marriages need. This was exacerbated because I had to rebuild trust after cheating on him.

The last of the eight “introductory” stages involved me persuading Nic that happiness can only be achieved when we are true to ourselves and that giving the gift of openness to the person you love helps them love you more not less. This he understood and accepted.

Of course, the stages were not so clearly delineated. They overlap, conversations go off at tangents and many points were often discussed at the same time. But having the stages clearly listed was enormously helpful. The most important thing to remember for us, other than honest communication and active listening, has been to continue to reinforce our relationship. We have become physically and emotionally more intimate as a result. I am very aware I am lucky. My husband accepted me from the very beginning. I have heard countless stories where couples have broken up at stage one.

For Nic and I, the real struggle came when I met someone I liked and trusted enough that I wanted to pursue a physical relationship with him. This is when stages 9-14 came into play, something I discuss in part two of this blog.

Anal Sex and Boundaries

I love my arse being filled by cock, by toys, by vegetables, by fingers, by random household objects … pretty much anything really. I love it so much I have discovered I can put my eight fingers into my arsehole at the same time. The only thing stopping them going in further is my lack of contortion abilities. There are many times I would rather have anal sex than vaginal sex. I rarely masturbate without shoving something up my butthole.

None of this is considered strange in the kinky world, not that all kinksters like arseplay, but it is accepted as fairly normal.

So is rimming. I like tongue up my arse. I like to put my tongue in arseholes.

You know what else I like? Filth. Yep. I admit it. One of the sexiest things my most recent Dom made me do was fuck myself with a carrot and eat the carrot, complete with whatever was stuck to it at the time. As any of you who’ve had anal sex can attest, cocks and toys tend to come out mostly clean…but that “mostly” rather than “totally” is enough to put many (most?) folk off eating the carrot. Or sucking their partner’s cock. Or licking their fingers.

Then there are those folk who don’t like anal play at all. My husband is one of these. As this blog makes clear, my hubby is not a sexually liberated chappy. He is wonderful and lovely and a truly awesome bloke, but he struggles with sex. He is ok with me being kinky, but he wants very little of it. Recently though, he has been experimenting more. He has given me a gentle spanking a couple of times. He has fucked me with the end of a spoon while I sat in the kitchen counter. He even tied me up. It is amazingly hot having someone choose to break their own boundaries and enjoy it. I can understand why some Doms get their kicks breaking in newbies. The years of bad sex were worth living through for the excitement I felt when he discovered his boundaries were flexible. The one fairly basic thing (is anal vanilla?) he won’t budge on, is putting any part of his body near my arsehole (or vice versa). He just isn’t into it. It is hard having one of your favorite things in the sexual world being denied you.

I often wonder how much my kinky desires and my polyamory are connected. I have often wondered whether I am not really polyamorous, just in need of kinky sex. Then I remember I just cannot have sex with people I don’t know well, I don’t trust, and don’t care deeply for. The BDSM/kinky scene just isn’t for me. But, there is always hope I can find a poly partner who will do the things to me that I crave, and who hubby will be happy for him to do those things to me. And, besides, just because hubby won’t fuck my arse with his cock, it doesn’t mean he won’t fuck it with a toy…it took him ten years to do, but he loves to do it now! Maybe in another ten he might let his finger go there. Keep those pubes crossed for me.

Poly Boundaries (part two)

I am an affectionate, cuddly, kissy kind of woman. I hold hands with my male and female friends. I greet close friends with a peck on the lips. I snuggle up with friends on the sofa. I am affectionate with friends in public and in private. I always have been. Before Nic and I opened up our marriage he would never have a problem with any of this. Even when people asked him if he minded, he would laugh and wonder why. To my delight and surprise it still isn’t a problem even after I had the one-night only cheating experience with Paul. Even after we opened our marriage and there was a possibility I could build more intimate relationships with people. This is just part of who I am and how I interact with people. But, all of this is physical intimacy; when does it become something which needs to be negotiated?

If a kiss on the lips is acceptable, when does it become unacceptable? Is there a time-limit for the kiss? Are two seconds ok, but three not? What if there is slight movement? What if one of the people desires the other? What if it is a quick one second peck but hands are placed on the neck or face at the same time?

The same kind of questions can be asked for hugs, linking arms, holding hands: actions are fluid and do not always mean the same thing with the same people. 

My husband and I have agreed that in these instances it is up to my judgment. I have to decide whether or not an act of physical intimacy has pushed the boundaries. To experienced poly folk, this probably screams “accident waiting to happen.” I tend to agree. But so far it has worked.

What I have found is that I am more cautious with people than I was before we opened our marriage. I flirt less. I am less physically affectionate than before we opened. Because there is the option for me to build relationships with people, I have less interest in casual affection with people I don’t know well. The most amazing thing, though, is that rather than take advantage of the uncertainty in these boundaries, I do nothing with people I really would like a relationship with. I don’t peck them on the lips, I don’t hold their hands, I don’t do any of the things my husband approves without me having to ask. I don’t do anything which may threaten or challenge my relationship with Nic. After Paul, I do not want to be in a position where my stupidity and inability to control myself threatens my marriage and the promise of a beautiful relationship with another person. It isn’t worth the heartbreak it causes all of the people involved. It isn’t worth the risk. Does this mean the boundaries are clear and work? For now, yes. I hope that as we become more used to this poly situation the rules will be fine-tuned for our purposes, and maybe even relaxed so that I will be able to do a bit more without having to ask. But we will see.

As for Nic, what can he do? He is a clearly self-identified mono. I believe him when he says this. But I have given him permission to do whatever he wants (safely!) without having to check with me first. Whether he ever will remains to be seen. How I will deal with that will be another story!