Wednesday, 17 October 2012

Blowing a Kiss ... Goodbye

In April I met James, I’ve spoken about him a little elsewhere. We had a super connection, great sex, and a wonderfully fun, entertaining time. But, it was complicated, we lived hundreds of miles apart and he was the first partner I’ve had in my newly poly marriage.

The first three months were great. In the fourth month he got a job. Great! But, James stopped the D/s component of the relationship. The D/s feelings transmuted into other emotions, ranging between anger, sorrow, warmth, adoration. In a way I needed aftercare from the loss of my Dom, but my Dom was still there. It was horrible.

We split up after four months ... sort of. We spent months five and six fluctuating wildly between playing, getting emotional, flirting, and fighting. At various times we stopped talking, kept casual contact, and had more regular contact. A few days ago we finally agreed to amicably break contact.

It sounds like a teenage affair, except my teenage relationships were so damn stable! This is easily the least stable relationship I have had.

So, to say goodbye to my time with James and to bring closure, I ask "why?" We couldn't be together because of the lack of money, and the practicalities of long distance relationships. For him the lack of the prospect of meeting regularly was a killer, but for me the loss of the intense communication and online D/s dynamic was the killer. James wanted to be someone's primary, I wanted someone who would accept me how I was, who wouldn't shut themselves off from me because of the difficult circumstances.

But why couldn't we be friends? Quite simply, it was because we had too much potential to be more than friends, just being friends was impossible. We couldn't flirt without it leading to sex. We couldn't be ourselves without wanting to flirt. We couldn't share our lives without falling back into an emotional relationship. We both felt awful when we didn´t reply to emails, but we both sat there waiting for emails. We were both monitoring everything we said, trying not to say anything that would lead us back into a relationship. We realized we cared deeply but were acting like acquaintances. It was making us both feel anxious and making both of our lives more difficult.

One thing I am incredibly happy about is that none of this had anything to do with my husband. Nic never tried to stop the situation. He even hugged me when everything went wrong with James. James never challenged or questioned my marriage. Neither of them liked the situation, but they both understood it and neither of them used it to bludgeon me with. James and I did not stop dating nor stop being friends because of polyamory, and for that I am grateful and relieved to both Nic and James. But it shows that relationships are always complicated and, if anything, as a polyamorous person it is easier to say I have too much heart than to say I have none. I will always care.

We were together for such a short time, the impact of him on my life seems unbelievable, but we were there for each other at very difficult times of our lives. I had major problems with work, my future direction, and my sexual identity. He helped me through that, while I helped him through a period of major depression, helped him with his fledgling business and supported him as he found new work.

We stopped being friends because in the end we agreed we just didn´t need each other as much anymore, and yet we wanted each other too much to keep our distance. In the end the only solution was total separation.

I place my grief for the loss of a friend and for the lost potential of a relationship here. By doing so, I cast out the feelings and I move on. Goodbye James, I hope you find what you’re looking for.

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This was written for Wicked Wednesday, pop over and have a look.




  1. Ouch! it's good that the two of you were able to sort it all through and come to a mutual understanding rather than simply stopping and leaving unanswered questions on both sides.

    ~Kazi xxx

  2. I have been in similar situations and it sucks. It is nice that you did figure out what you had to do, even though it hurts. Big hugs!

  3. *Hugs*

    ~Mia~ xx

  4. Difficult indeed :( Curious Muse's WW explores similar feelings. Keep smiling and hugs go without question xx

  5. Sending you lots of hugs, sweetie!

    Rebel xox

  6. Sometimes you have to know when the right thing to do is to walk away... even if that walk is a painful one...sometimes, you just have to walk.


  7. A tough situation to be in, but one you will surely learn from and look back on with fondness as you remember your first partner in your poly marriage. Regardless the pain it initially caused, it is an experience you will be the better for having. <>


  8. I've just read that post back, no wonder you all gave me such kind wonderful words and hugs - it is really quite an emotional read. My heart clomps a little harder for reading it. It was amazingly cathartic to write though.

    Thank you all, really! When I started writing this blog I had no idea of the strength I would be able to draw from it. You are all fab!

  9. I am amazed by how similar our situations are... ~hugs~