A bloody good sex therapist is the answer!
Alas, we first had a terrible one.
Here are my tips for picking a good therapist, based exclusively on personal experiences of a whopping two therapists. But, here goes nothing…
First, the Don'ts
- Don’t just accept the first therapist you try
- The best therapists are not necessarily professional psychologists/psychiatrists/drs
- If a sex therapist blushes whenever anal sex is mentioned … run, do not walk, to the exit
- Don’t stay with a therapist if they focus on the physical, rather than the mental
- If a therapist’s idea of sexual compatibility relies on a penis being the center of attention, they are wrong
- If you know in your gut a therapist sucks, give up on them
- Success is not measured with fixed physical targets
- Success is not measured in how many days after a session any improvements last, success is ongoing, continuing, permanent exploration of your sexual selves
Now the Do’s
- Do prepare to cut back on spending on other things if the sex therapist you really want to go to is expensive
- Find a therapist you like
- If you feel comfortable talking with your therapist about all aspects of your sexuality, hoorah!
- Make sure your therapist treats you as individuals AND as a sexual pair (or group)
- Sex is about the relationship between your mind and your body (and if you are that way inclined, your spirit), find a therapist who shares that view and works that way
- Do research into a therapist, if they have a website, articles or books published, if they are suggested on forums (especially if you do not conform to heteronormative sexual constructs)
- Find a therapist who accepts you how you are
- A therapist is only there to help you explore yourself, they are not there to treat you like you are a case study in a book they once read
- Your therapist should be an enabler, they should help you find ways to keep growing on your own, without their help
- Success is knowing that your therapist will be there for you if you need them, but you can continue on your path (as individuals, a couple, a group) without them
Unfortunately for me, I learnt all of this the hard way. Hubby and I went to a sex therapist for two years with very little change! After my cheating incident I decided I needed to go to a better therapist, one who was both kink and poly aware, and who specialized in a range of relationship structures.
I went to a session alone. Hubby joined me the next time.
Almost instantly our sex life was improved! The trick? The following conversation:
Therapist to Nic: Do you want to fuck her?
Stunned silence ensues
Me to therapist: He won’t be comfortable with that word
Therapist to Nic: Is that true? Do you not like it when people say they want to fuck?
Lightbulb is visible above Nic’s head
That was that…literally! All Nic needed was someone other than me to tell him that it was ok to want to fuck. Sex doesn’t have to be moonlight and roses. Sex can be animalistic. It can be for fun. It can be to relieve boredom, stress, anxiety, insomnia…
Since that one conversation our sex life has only gotten better! Nic is still a bit funny about using the “f-word,” but he has certainly learnt how to fuck.
Praise the sex therapist Gods! Banish the sex therapist Devils!