The End or A New Beginning?

The clichéd title of this post may reflect a whole variety of things about my life, my career and my marriage, but mainly it reflects this blog. For all of the elements a new beginning is accurate, but the blog, it may be the end. I don't know yet, but I wanted something out there to explain my silence, other than "yet another sex and relationship blog bites the dust." So, where am I?

1) The 101 Things To Do List is coming along brilliantly. I came out to a group of people, collected another qualification, got my professional website set-up, went to a three-star Michelin restaurant and more. If I get a chance I'll update the list.

2) Hubby has a dominant streak a mile wide. Seriously, it's amazing. He has learnt to enjoy the domestic dominance and controlling me with just a look or a subtle change in tone in his voice. It adds another very strong bond to our relationship and a sexual frisson that wasn't there before. Not to mention, he really likes metal and controlling my orgasms, the latter is awesome - the former is terrifying (in a good way of course). It makes me sad how much amazing sex he (and I) missed out on, but hapy he is finally finding it AND WITH ME! Yey!

So, if this is great and there are some positive things to explore in this blog, why could this be my last post? There are three reasons:

1) I was getting addicted to the blogging world. While I don't see a problem with this, I am an oversharer and need to control the natural honesty policy I have. I generally confess everything (to give you an idea, I broke a washing machine in a rented house 20 years ago, I still feel guilty because I never owned up). I don't like not sharing my actions, thoughts, and dreams with people. It feels icky. The very close bereavement I had, followed by a health scare that started two days after my Knife Play post and lasted a whole month, gave me a chance to kill the addiction and not spill out the secrets of everyone I know.

2) I met someone (in case you've forgotten, I am polyamorous, hubby is monogamous, complex emotional dramas ensue). This guy is charming, funny, attractive, clever, and sexy. I was trying to work out how to be friends with him, while negotiating my (and his) desires, hubby's nervousness, and this new guy's personal situation - a closed relationship. I point blank refuse to "go there" because I believe I have a moral responsibility to someone I have never met (and boy, does that put Paul in perspective, I only blamed myself for that situation and defended his innocence - nonsense!). Playing with boundaries like that is complex. I wrote so many blogs about the friendship (which is ongoing), but this is the first I have posted about it because I have not asked his permission to share his story. I don't know if I have the right.

3) Mainly though, this may be the end because of hubby. Something VERY, VERY major has happened to his health. It limits what he - what we - can do in our daily lives and it will do, to varying degrees, forever. His health is his story to tell, but without sharing it more I would be limited in what sexy times I could write about because it effects that too. Maybe in the future the blog can change and talk specifically about that, but not now.

If you reached the end of this post, whoop whoop, go you! If you have ever commented on any of my posts, thank you with bells whistles and plenty of spanks. You really made a big difference to mine and hubby's life. I am sorry to be leaving and hope to be back someday.

All the best,

Emily

PS How could this post go ahead without being part of a meme? No way! Clickety Click

Knife Play

My husband is somewhat obsessed with knives, well anything sharp really. He has professional sharpening equipment. He even makes his own tools, as well as buying crappy old ones to fix up. A few days ago I was cooking when he spanked me with a knife.* This is dangerous! Very dangerous! And seriously sexy. He also caressed my breasts with the sharp edge of the knife. I was actually stirring the dinner on the hot gas stove while that was happening and I can tell you I was shitting myself. I felt so submissive, both tiny and a giant at the same time. It was beautiful.

The moment itself happened suddenly, and this is what made it for me. Hubby was inspired and inspiring. Magical! In honour of that glorious, dangerous, intense experience we made this photograph just for Sinful Sunday, but in this one the danger has left so I am wearing just a bra to make up for it. And, yes, this is the same knife he used to spank me. It makes me shudder just to think about it.

 

* Seriously, if hubby were not so expert at wielding sharp implements, no way would I have tolerated the experience. Not so much "Safe, Sane and Consensual" much more of the "Risk Aware Consensual Kink"

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This post was made and written for Sinful Sunday, where you can find lots of really sexy images. Clickety click

Tasks

For next week I have been given two tasks, both given to me by hubby with a Dominant voice I cannot describe. They are (1) to sort out the plastic bags, and (2) to take the paper to be recycled. Both jobs need doing, but are really crappy jobs I would never do without being told to. Hubby has also given me the task of making lists as part of my "101 Things in 1001 Days" chain link time management project. This is an added impetus I sorely need.

They are not erotic tasks, they are ordinary household duties and yet being given them gives me a sense of calm and peace and belonging I really cannot describe.

Of course, sometimes tasks are erotic. Yesterday I was given one totally out of the blue. A dress was thrown at me, I was told to wear it with tights and later I would have to take off my tights, suck hubby’s cock and then straddle him on the sofa and fuck him as he desired. The only thing is, when it came to the end of the day and taking off my tights, I was so excited I forgot the order of the tasks. Hubby forced me down and spanked me until I remembered. I was in that very odd space where I didn’t know whether I wanted to carry on being spanked or whether I should drag my memory banks and stop the punishment: the need to be submissive won and I remembered the instructions. Hubby then used and abused me until we both screamed. My heart sang for it and I am still feeling blissful today.

End Note:
While writing this, hubby called me with more tasks! I had to eat porridge, go pick up my medicines, buy sausages (I really don’t understand that one...), read an article, and report back to him. Amazing stuff! Must finish the tasks now!

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This post was published as part of Wicked Wednesday, clickety click for more interesting treats.

New Phone!

As part of my project "101 Things in 1001 Days" I had to get a new phone. Well, I did. It has a camera! I've never had a phone with a camera. I'm still not quite sure how to use it, but I did manage to take this while on a work trip. If you're wondering what the pink thing is, it is my phone case - a baby sock. 

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This post was made for Sinful Sunday, clickety click for other saucy photos of various shades of naughtiness.

Vaginal Juices

The last couple of days I keep getting whiffs of my vaginal juices and they smell good. Not just fresh or pleasant, but good. I keep putting my hands down my pants and sniffing my fingers, when I have taken my panties off I have put them right up to my face and taken a deep breath. But why?

Not, why do I do that, but why does it smell so good? It doesn't normally smell so desirable, but it is right now. Even as I write this I keep sniffing and tasting my fingers.

My vaginal juices smell and feel different throughout the month, pretty much as regular as clockwork. This is how it goes:

1) Smelly and sludgy, a tangy sweet smell, not particularly pleasant, this is the phase where I get crusty knickers, gross (I hate this phase!)
2) Menstruation
3) Not much discharge, what there is has a gentle delicate smell
4) Tonnes and tonnes and tonnes of clear discharge, no smell at all
5) Not much discharge, what there is has a gentle delicate smell

I'm in the fifth phase right now, so why is it so lovely and smelly, even tasty, at the moment? To be honest, it isn't just the current smell that has changed, but the last couple of months my whole pattern of vaginal juices has been thrown out of whack.

I wonder if this is stress or diet or age or changes in my sex life? It could be any or all of these features and this is both fascinating and frustrating.

Getting accurate information about anything to do with vaginas is nightmarish, doctors rarely take those of us who own them seriously. They attribute everything to "hormones" without ever doing tests. If I look at the internet the smelly, sludgy discharge is thrush, although why it should miraculously vanish and reappear at the same time every month is a bit beyond me.* Just about the only certainty is that the clear discharge that pours out by the bucketload is my time of ovulation. Of course, knowing that doesn't help explain why things should change and when it needs to get checked out by professionals.

I am "one" with my bodily functions and can pretty much work out when something is wrong and when I need to get it fixed (to the point that I have justly sought out second opinions when Drs have fobbed me off), but what about other persons with vaginas? How many of them keep as much track of their juices as I do? How many know what they should taste like at any given point? How many know what they should feel like between their fingers? How many only ever see them dried inside their panties? I hope not many, but I fear a great number.

Those of us with vaginas need to embrace our discharge, and perhaps we should also stop being afraid to talk about them. I can count the number of conversations I have had about vaginal discharge on one hand, although not for want of trying. Perhaps sex manuals and sex blogs and other sources of information should start to include more detail about vaginal juices. After all, they are an essential part of our health check....and they can taste amazing!



*In case you are worried, it isn't thrush, I've had that and know the difference, but the web tells me otherwise...

Phone Sex

Who doesn’t love phone sex? Having to get off through the power of thought, listening, conversation and whatever skills your hand/s can muster. I once fell off a chair having an orgasm because the phone was attached to the wall and couldn’t move. It was great. Of course, that is the downside to phone sex – technicalities.

Technicalities have been the reason why my husband, Nic, and I have not in our 12ish years together had phone sex – not even once (well that and the lack of sexual compatibility, but that is an old story). That is until two nights ago. Hubby is away on holiday while I am at home trying to work. We both have phones, we can afford the calls, we are in practical time zones, and we both have privacy – all requirements for sex over the phone.  

And how delicious our sex was. Nic told me all the things he would do to me, the way he would control my body and force it to do what he wanted. He steered the conversation where he wanted. He dominated our fantasy, he made it his and I submitted to it, willingly. Two years ago he didn’t even fantasize when wanking (no joke, for the life of me I don't know how that is possible), now his fantasies are about guiding me and controlling me. Together we have opened up a whole new world of possibilities as a result. It is wonderful.

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This post was written for Wicked Wednesday (yes, I know it’s Thursday, be off with you pedant). Clickety click for other wicked things.

In The Eye Of The Beholder

This photo was taken in January before life through me some lemons. When I look at it I don't remember what was happening. Was I being confident and funny? Was hubby taking the photo? Was I? Was it during sex? Was it for Sinful Sunday? I don't remember.

Looking at it now, while I am slowly learning how to make lemonade again, it looks like I am hiding my breast and my body from the camera. It does not look full of joy and positivity. It does not look like the photo of a woman who loves her breasts, and yet I do. I truly do.

Perhaps in another month or so I will look again at this photo and see it as being filled with happiness, excitement and confidence, rather than confused sadness.

 



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This post was made for Sinful Sunday, clickety click for more lovely images.

e-Lust 44 - sex blogging digest

Sorry this is so late in the posting, better late than never I hope. This is the March (yes, March *whoops*) editiong of the sex blogger's digest "e-Lust." It contains lots of lovely posts in a variety of areas, so have a gander and enjoy. Oh, and my entry was one of "Molly's Picks," I feel very honoured!

Photo courtesy of Plumptious Pea

Welcome to e[lust] - The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you're looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it'll be here at e[lust]. Want to be included in e[lust] #45? Start with the newly updated rules, come back April 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ This Week’s Top Three Posts ~

Everyday D/s
Honesty sometimes feels like manipulation
Blood, life, sex
~ Featured Posts (Molly’s Picks) ~
Grief and Sex
Bringing Others into a Dom/Sub Relationship
All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Adventures In… Lube-land
ORAL SEX, AS STANDARD AS THE WHEELS ON A CAR
PolyAnna's Musings: Radar Love
A productive morning
Livia Has a Crush
Terms of Fatness

Sex News, Interviews, Politics & Humor

Thoughts: Feminism, Sexism and Submission

Thoughts & Advice on Kink & Fetish

Deep subspace - sexy or scary?
Django Unchained: the suffering black female
What the hell is 'NORMAL' sex anyway?
Before
All About the Collar
Dirty Little Secret
Honesty

Erotic Fiction

Master's Valentine's ToDo List
The Passion of First Encounters.
Ma'am's Turn (First Meeting Part 3)
Nipple torture and girl love
The Boundary
I'm in the Mood
Skin
Memories
Lolita Twenty-Thirteen, Part Two
Want
A Quick Preview

Erotic Non Fiction

Lindsey's Orgasm
Blog Jammin'
Postponing the Inevitable
Watching Has its Own Rewards
A Farewell Torment
Writhe
I want to lick your pussy
Cap D'Agde 2012 Foam Party
Dirty Hot
Eighty-Five Minutes
Saying Goodnight
Hundreds of orgasms
our open marriage- mina's date
1+1+1= My first threesome
Writing Sex Scenes
Beginnings and Endings
Glass Bottle
One Cole the Dane + One WeVibe Salsa = Orgasm

Blogging

Epiphora's beginner’s guide to sex toy review
Very Inspiring Blogger Award

Eroticon

Erotic Eroticon
Finessing Sex- A Snippet Of Fiction
Eroticon Highlights
Bite Me

Poetry

In the Back Seat of the Bus
Transmogrification
Gelüste
Oiled Seduction

"Hang up my shirts naked"

A few weeks ago I wrote a letter to my husband. I asked him to be my Sir during a period of intense grief. The letter made him sad because he wasn't inspired to be dominant while grieving and helping me through my grief. Then a number of other things happened (including another bereavement) and suddenly one day this week I received an email from hubby while he was at work (I work from home - bonus!).

"Put my shirts in the washing machine, turn it on. While in the laundry room, hit your thighs with your brush till you come, then go and do whatever you like. When the washing is done, hang up my shirts naked."

My reaction was beyond excitement! I followed the instructions, obviously. I managed to give myself some nice bruises, but hitting myself wasn't enough to make me come so I helped it along by masturbating with a large plastic cooking spoon with a long, thick handle. It was incredible, not least because the laundry room is tiny - barely enough space for the washing machine and one person. It made the whole experience that much more awesome.

One thing though, hanging up damp shirts when naked is jolly bloody cold!

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This post was made for Sinful Sunday (hoorah, I'm back!). Clickety click for more sexy pics.

Advice Sought: Blog, What Blog?

In my offline life I am becomingly increasingly open about sex and sexuality. I have started to discuss things with people far more than I used to. In a couple of months I am even presenting at a queer festival. What I won't be doing is sharing this blog.

This blog is my private haven, private being somewhat oxymoronic, of course. I write it for my own purposes. I started it like a sort of journal, but I like it because of the community feel and the life-affirming comments and discussion. I feel bad when I don't get to write for it. I feel like I am disconnected from my own thought processes, my personal reflection, my sexual meditation, even my sexual experimentation. Having this blog helps me to push my relationship/s sexually in more ways than I expected - perhaps because hubby also reacts positively to what I write and the comments I receive. When I don't get to write on my blog I also feel disconnected from the community, and that it will just disappear and I will be left without one again. It is a worrying thought, especially after I missed the big social opportunity of Eroticon due to my bereavement.

It is not always easy for me to write on my blog though. I access the blog on my laptop, but it is on a separate login and locked off from access to/from the other four (yes, four) accounts I have set up. The account is my sexuality, relationship, polyamory, BDSM login, where I keep my photos, pornography and such like. It isn't something I can open when I am with people other than hubby.

So, I have two questions for the hivemind:

1) How do you write your blog and keep it going when you are very busy with work and life gets in the way?

2) How do you write your blog when you have company? When people are staying at your house or you are staying with other people?

Anything?


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This post was written for Wicked Wednesday, clickety click for other stories, photos, poems, discussions and more.

Letter to My Husband

Although this is a letter to my husband, it is posted here because I thought it might be interesting or valuable for others to read.

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Dear Husband,

The last few weeks have been very difficult for us both. I want to thank you for all of your help and patience. As always, you are amazing and I love you.

Last night we spoke about sex, at least I did, I chose my timing badly. Because of that, I thought I would write down what I need right now. I thought it might be easier for you to read it in your own time. To read it over and over again if you need.

I cannot have romantic, slow, gentle lovemaking at the moment. My mind and my body cannot deal with it. At the moment, while I am grieving I need other things.

I need for you to force me. When I bite or scratch or grab or push you down, I need for you to use whatever force necessary to get me to stop, to make me feel like I am yours. I need to be able to let go and try to attack you, so that I feel you are forcing me. I wouldn't actually do anything dangerous, but I need to feel the resistance in my body and my mind.

I need for you to give me instructions and commands. I need you to tell me to wash the kitchen floor on my hands and knees, naked. I need for you to tell me I have to do things by a certain time and to report back to you. I need to feel like I am yours to do with as you will.

I need to be punished by you if I fail my tasks. I need to believe that you will punish me. To believe that, I may even fail to complete a task, so that I feel your punishment (whatever form that takes is irrelevant). When I feel that I will know to complete future tasks, because you have told me to.

I need you to command me in bed, to tell me what to do. I need to hear your voice. If you don't want to speak, command me to speak or  to do something instead. I crave your voice and your thoughts.

Before our loss, you were showing signs of natural Dominance. You seemed to love it and find it deeply arousing. At the moment that is hidden. I don't know if that is because you are grieving and need slow lovemaking or because you are scared of upsetting me or hurting me at this time. I hope it is the latter, because I need this. I need to be submissive to you, not to anyone else, to you. At this time, more than any other, I need to be submissive for my husband, for the man I love. I need to be owned by you.

I am not asking you to do things that would gross you out. I am not asking for you to fuck me hard up the arse, or to piss on me, or shit on me, or any of the other things I desire. I am only asking you to do things you have done before, but I would like them and I would like them with more aggression and force than has been between us before. 

I promise I will not let you go too far.

I promise I will let you know if you are pushing a little too hard.

I promise I will not let you do anything that is too much for you to bear.

I am asking for you to trust me as I trust you.

Please, be my Sir, if just for a little while.

All my love,

Your wife

Hang On, What Is Sex?

I was totally off the radar in February, so to rejoin the fold I thought I would follow the prompt posed for Wicked Wednesday: “?+?=?”. The initial question this leads to is “how many people have I had sex with?” This is not easy to answer, because first we need to ask “what is sex?” Simple you may think it is penis in vagina sex, but this makes all non-heterosexual people virgins which is blatantly ridiculous. When discussing sex people also only refer to cis-gendered people, which effectively equals guy with cock and girl with cunt. Although being woefully inaccurate, I have never knowingly been intimate with a transperson and so in this post I interchange the genitals and the gender. At some point I hope to find a way not to do this!

There are lots of discussions online about what counts as sex, including a number of academic papers and handy summaries of such papers, including “11 SexualActivities That People Don't Count As 'Having Sex.'” This is a summary of a paper done by the Kinsey Institute and Indiana University.

The researchers questioned 486 adults aged 18 to 96 from Indiana and most of them were heterosexual. They were asked whether they considered certain activities to be having sex. Not one single item they were asked was agreed upon by everybody. Here are some of those things, with my own experiences noted.

1. Penis-vagina sex (with no condom, with both male and female orgasm). I really can’t remember how many unsheathed men I have shagged, about five I’m guessing.

2. Just the tip (apparently also known as halvsies, I found this fab post about them). I don’t think I have had halvsies with anyone I wasn’t actually fucking and deliberately tormenting (or being tormented) with a bit of cock.

3. Penis-vagina sex with a condom. I have had more than ten and fewer than twenty. I am actually very fussy about men and their cocks!

4. Penis-vagina sex, with no female orgasm. Two men fall under this category, one is an unpleasant story for another day.

5. Penis-vagina sex, with no male orgasm. All guys I have been with have ejaculated.

6. Anal sex, with a condom. Unfortunately, fewer than ten (it always amazes me how hard it is to find guys who want to fuck my arse. It is an acquired taste it would seem, anal sex rather than my arse I would hope.)

7. Anal sex (no caveats). The same as above, but more to the point, I have had anal sex with no condom with three or four guys.

8. Receiving oral sex. No women have licked me, I am clearly doing something wrong there. I honestly don’t remember how many guys have devoured me.

9. Performing oral sex. I have enjoyed a couple of women and more men than I will ever be able to remember.

10. Receiving manual stimulation. I have experienced this from a few women but many more men than I can remember, let alone name.

11. Performing manual stimulation. As above.

 

What this doesn’t show is whether or not masturbation in the company of another person counts as sex, or using toys, or genital-to-genital contact, or orgasms through spankings, or other non-genital stimulation. If we count other kinds of experiences than penis-in-vagina, I just do not know how many guys there have been. I tried counting but I gave up when I kept remembering odd nights here and there fumbling around with groups of friends. I got to 40 before I threw in the towel at a complete loss.

 

Next time you discuss with someone how many people you have had sex with, (for health, relationship or fun), you may want to remember that you may have entirely different definitions of sex.

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This was posted for Wicked Wednesday, clickety click for more sex-related discussions and some erotic stories.

Eroticon and Sex Education

Edited 6th March:
As it turns out, life became a wee-bit complicated so I couldn't make Eroticon, which is what this post is about. Next year though, next year!
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This Sunday I am off to Eroticon, a sex blogger and erotic writer's conference. I plan on writing reports on the three sessions on my “must attend” list for those who miss them.

“Diversity 2: Polyamory 101” with Lori Smith and Amanda Jones. Technically, I am not sure I need to go to a Poly 101 session, having been immersed within it for a couple of years now. However, I am enthusiastic to hear from different people and these two women are fab. It is always possible to learn more and my experience of the poly community in England is patchy to say the least.

“Diversity 3: Getting the Language of Sex Right” with Justin Hancock (of BISH fame). This session is about using clear and inclusive sexual and gender diverse language. I try to be good (see me polishing my shiny halo), and I hope this will confirm it, or at least show me where I go wrong. Sadly, this session clashes with Molly Moore’s talk “Top Ten Tips for Bloggers.” It is aimed at people who want to increase blog traffic, and as much as I want to see Molly speak, I write my blog for me and any additional traffic is a bonus. Attending a session on diversity is, however, an important part of my personal development.

“Sex Education 2: Storytelling and Sex” with Brooke, Emily Dubberly and Meg Barker is my final absolute must session. This is for two reasons. First, Meg Barker. Her blog and book “Rewriting the Rules” is fantastic and I find the way she combines campaigning and academic work inspirational. Second, to match the previous session I really want to improve how I explore and discuss sex issues so that it can be informative. Having read some blog posts which give a negative message (rightly or wrong representing what is being presented), I feel a responsibility to portray my experiences in a useful and helpful way. I choose to make my stories public and so I must be careful that even a casual reader who encounters a single post through Google won’t get a mistaken impression.

Initially, I had two reasons to go to Eroticon: social and professional. I wanted to meet fellow bloggers, have some fun, and make friends. Unfortunately, I will not have time to do this now, but I may still be able to develop my ideas about career diversification. I want to explore ways of beginning a new life and to see whether sex education, writing, counseling, or therapy are possibilities for me. Perhaps they won’t be, or perhaps Eroticon won’t help me find out, but maybe the sessions I attend will help and I am sure they will be informative all the same.

Grief and Sex

Over two weeks ago a very close family member died unexpectedly and under difficult circumstances. It has been an awful couple of weeks and it will continue to be so for many months, if not years. I have had some strong sexual reactions to my loss and I thought it would be useful to write them down because writing is how I process. Then I googled sexual reactions to grief and was dismayed. Most articles claim that sex drive decreases with grief, especially among women. A few places recognize that hypersexuality is a reaction, but there is very little about it as a positive force, or indeed about engaging with it when it is a response. This is nonsense! I believe that as long as a grieving person (me!) is not being destructive and is not doing anything to harm herself or others, then she is grieving appropriately.

I heard about my loss at 11pm while I was at a friend’s two hours from where I live with my husband. I had to get home to him, get my transport arrangements sorted to get back to my family, pack, and try to get some rest before leaving to go home to my family all in the space of seven hours. The only reason that I did not have sex was because of the time, but my libido went through the roof.

My mind is what you might call overactive, or at the very least easily distracted. Even during sex my mind wanders onto random things. There are only two moments where my mind cannot be distracted without major effort on someone else’s part: when I am having an orgasm or in subspace. Herein lies my reaction to sex the last fortnight. I have been rather needy for sex, and of course I have snuggled and been intimate, but I have not wanted slow, romantic lovemaking. What I have wanted is the intensity of D/s lovemaking or D/s fucking.

My husband is also grieving and his initial reaction was not sexual. But my desire felt so strong that I even considered contacting my old Dom, James, for sex, or asking hubby if I could have a session with him, or somehow pursue a sexual situation in some way. But, this would have been damaging and destructive. Being intimate with James would have been a short-term fix for a long-term problem and the fix would have caused a whole heap of other problems. I am grieving, I am not capable of making decisions that will affect my future and I have to recognize that. Luckily I did realize that! I also realized that sex was not a need in the short term, but also that it was perfectly fine to want nothing more than to be dominated to the extent that I could find calm in a subspace. But that had to happen within my existing safe and happy relationship structure.

Last night my husband and I had sex again for the first time since our loss. It was the first time we both felt comfortable with what the other wanted and needed. It was romantic, gentle, soft, kind, loving, and involved him giving me commands. I didn’t reach a subspace but I had wonderful orgasms as he came down my throat, my mind and my body and my heart were free with the person I love. Performing sexual acts while grieving should not be something to be ashamed of, but it somehow seems to be seen as such by many.

As people we are physical, mental, and if you think that way also spiritual beings. In order to be complete people our hearts, our bodies, and our minds need to be connected. We need to be able to release our energy in the ways we need to in order to find balance again. A major hole in my world has been made, my balance has been broken and it feels like hell. I am having nightmares, my appetite is off whack, my brain feels like sludge and I burst into hysterics at random times, but at other times everything feels like nothing has happened. I know this is all normal. I am in the early stages of grief, it will take a long time to process what has happened. There will be many changes to my needs and desires. I need to be gentle on myself. I need to let my energies come out because bottling them up will lead to disaster. If some of these are sexual energies and involve begging my husband to fuck my mouth then that is necessary too.

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This post vaguely meets the prompt for the Thirty Days of Kink meme, Day 30: Whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want to write about.

A Thousand Sinful Stitches

This is detail from my latest large cross-stitch project. I finished it two nights ago. Such a relaxing hobby, I love it, but please don't let the image of it as a fuddy-duddy hobby put you off trying it. There are so many different styles and projects, you can sew anything, including the erotic arts. Here is the finished piece, just waiting for a wash, iron, and a frame.

I wish I could say this was designed by me, but no, I just followed a pattern by Country Needlecraft.

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Finishing the lady was #53 on my 101 things list.
The photo's were taken for Sinful Sunday, I suspect cross-stitch is a first for it! Clickety click for sexy photos.

I love it when she holds my cock

Last week hubby and I took a few photos to show off my new nail polish. We liked different ones, so I asked him if he would write this week's post. I've asked him to contribute before and he always said no, but not this time. Imagine my surprise when this is what I got from him, complete with his choice of photo and even formatting! I am a very lucky girl, thank you Nic!

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I love it when she holds my cock 

Sometimes she grabs it,
Sometimes she rubs it,
Sometimes she just holds it in her fist. 

 

I trust her to treat it well,
I let her do with it what she wants.
I force it into her mouth,
I rub it across her face,
And deny her its pleasure. 


But I love it when she holds my cock.
Just don't tell her how much I do,
Or it might just get to her head.




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This post was selected as part of this week's Sinful Sunday weekly round-up by guest reviewers Jack and Jill, to see more sexy piccies clickety click...

Waving Art

I am a big fan of waving, I wave to people even when I am on the phone and I know they can't hear me. It is personal, fun, kind and warm. It represents affection and closeness.

Of course, some people wave formally by raising their hand in a slight gesture, or the Queen of England who has a weird reverse hand wave, almost a "get away from me you pleb" type of thing.

My waves, though, are enthusiastic and jolly. If you get a full hand wave or a cute four-finger bowing wave from me, it is because I like you and am pleased to see you.

But, when I think of waving, I also think of the artist Spencer Tunick.

If you don't know him, you have probably seen or heard of his work. He makes art installations using naked people in public, whether it is just one person or thousands.



He has been commissioned to make art around the world. Yet, because the naked form is considered immoral and illegal, Spencer has been arrested five times in New York. As such, he has not been able to make his art in America for ten years.

His art embraces the human form in different shapes, sizes and colours. It recognizes that all people are the same and individual and form part of the broader landscape of nature and the human-made world. Spencer's work plays with sexuality and gender, global warming, freedom, and a whole range of "big" issues, while taking the human form back to its basic state.

Mainly though, I love it because it is happy. People enjoy exploring what it is like to be naked in a group. They have to challenge themselves. As Spencr said of the installation in front of the Sydney Opera House (see the video below): "It was difficult to get the straight participants to embrace the gay participants and vice versa,"  but they did embrace! In Spencer's installation, people have to dive in and go for it and ultimately, they all end up waving and smiling! I love it!




Enjoy the video and smile :D



This post was made for Wicked Wednesday, with the prompt "wave."

Can Terrifying Be Cute?

So then, I have a foot phobia to the extent that feet are one of my hard limits. To try and overcome this I decided to add a couple of tasks to my 101 Things to do list. One of them was 'Try to overcome my foot phobia by painting my toenails.' I have NEVER done this before!!! So Friday, this is what I did. It felt gross. Yesterday, most of the times I saw my toes I freaked out. But once or twice I though 'pretty color.' Today I may have thought they looked cute once ... but they still creep me out. Maybe I should try painting them again some time. Anyway, have some proof of my *cough, splutter* bravery.

This post was made for Sinful Sunday, clickety click for far sexier images!

Understanding Sex and Emotions in Relationships (Part Two)

In the first part of this blog post I talked about the three kinds of love I most easily recognize in my relationship history: Philia, a loving friendship; Eros, a passionate love; Agape, Companionate Love. Even here, however, it isn’t that simple because a relationship may include two of these with or without sex. To explain myself a little clearer what follows is a result of my self-reflection, particularly for the benefit of understanding my polyamorous feelings. 

Of course, all but a few of these are “in hindsight” and as such, they are clouded by events long-since past and all manner of other fuzzy influences on the mind! 

Another thing, it is worth noting that of the following relationships, not all of them would still interest me, especially the first two… 

• Casual sex - one night stands
• Friends With Benefits - ongoing physically sexually intimate relationships with people I care about and want to spend time with because I like them as people but not with a strong emotional connection
• Philia With Benefits - friends I have physical relationships with and whom I love as friends but not necessarily as a partner (“to date”). In my experience this is extraordinarily hard for people to understand. I wonder if I would be able to do this again, it is hard to explain to someone the differences between loves and when sex is added into the mix things get messy irrespective of whether or not I have been honest about my love for the person. The person I shared my virginity with was a friend like this. We dated for two years, I broke his heart.
• Philia Without Benefits - friends I love deeply but do not want to “date” or have sex with. This is a truly astounding sort of friendship, and in my personal history very rare. I can probably name only five like this. Friends whom I truly love but have never shared any physical connection. This is perhaps because when I meet a person I always consider them sexually before anything else, almost subconsciously. I have since I was a teenager. In a future blog I will try to explain it.
• Eros Without Benefits – people with whom I have wanted to be physically intimate and “date,” yet for some reason it could not or did not happen.
• Eros With Benefits - To be honest, with me this is the kind of relationship that tends to be governed by New Relationship Energy and never lasts more than three months. It is something I learnt to control a long time ago and now I no longer suffer this kind of situation. They are enormous fun but also emotionally draining and an easy way to get yourself into difficult situations. Alas, I find this the easiest sort of love and relationship to come by.
• Eros and Philia With Benefits – Other than my husband, the two longest relationships I have had have had this, although with one of them the Eros fizzled out quite quickly. The other lasted almost the entire five years of our relationship (the second longest, other than with my husband). When the Eros left it didn’t take long for us to break up. We have been close friends ever since – for almost fifteen years now! So close in fact that the penultimate sort of loving relationship I will describe I share with him.
• Agape and Philia Without Benefits - I've had this twice. One I just mentioned and one with a man I deeply adore but with whom I can never have a relationship in the traditional sense, much to both of our sorrow (he is a married vicar…).
• Agape and Philia With Benefits – I have this with my husband Nic. I have only ever had it with him. Magically, in the last few months Eros has been developing between us. Something I find truly exceptional after ten years together (we met almost eleven years ago to the day). I hope in the coming months I will be able to add “Agape and Philia and Eros With Benefits.” Either way, Agape is the hardest of loves to find and it is a special thing to share it with my husband. I am extraordinarily lucky.

 

So, this has been long-winded and I doubt anybody made it this far (gold star if you did!). But, it has been a useful exercise and that is what self-reflection is for. Before I go, I want to say:

• Just because I do not have Philia for a person, does not mean that I am not friends with a person.
• Just because I do not have Eros for a person, does not mean that I do not want to fuck them.
• Just because I do not have Agape for a person, does not mean that I do not enjoy hanging out watching DVDs with them.

Love and friendship and sex is a many wondrous and complicated thing!

 

Understanding Sex and Emotions in Relationships (Part One)

It has been a long time since I have written anything about my polyamory, I think that needs to change now. This is the first post of many I am planning in the coming weeks.

One of the oddest things about polyamory is the way that simple definitions don’t work. When in a monogamous relationship, the assumption is always that we are “just good friends,” “friends with benefits,” “dating,” “serious,” “living together,” “married.” All of these statements are about status. They say little about feelings or sexual connections. One assumes, based upon the status of the couple, what the emotional and physical relationship is, but that is total nonsense. Plenty of married people can’t stand each other, and plenty of “friends with benefits” have at least one party in love with the other. Of course, most monogamous people realize this, especially in an active conversation, but it isn’t the standard passive assumption.

Hardwired poly folk (as opposed to people who find themselves in a poly situation), have a constant awareness and an ongoing internal and external process. We don’t define relationships in the same way as mono people because we actively know, accept, explore, and live with our feelings for other people. We are also far more aware of the changing nature of relationships, probably because we so actively know there are different types of love and different ways of feeling love for people at the same time.

As part of my exploration of my own polyamory I looked at my past relationships and tried to explore them through the idea of love and sex. It was insanely complicated and I don’t think I could ever do it full justice, but I tried.

To begin with, such an exploration needs to recognize different types of love. If you do a Google search for “types of love” you find schematics of four, five, ten, fifteen and no doubt more if you can be bothered. For me, in my own world, I keep it simple with three sorts: Philia, a loving friendship; Eros, a passionate love; Agape, a companionate love (for the Greek scholars out there, many apologies for simplifying and appropriating such complex terms!).

Philia: This is when I love a person and want to spend time with them because they make me laugh, challenge me, entertain me, please me. And I want to do the same for them. It is based on mutual respect, loyalty, and appreciation.

Eros: This is what is often meant by being “in love” with someone. I hate the phrase because it seems so unrealistic, so juvenile, so insignificant. Yet, it is also handy. For me, it is a kind of love that transmutes and becomes something else, perhaps even dissipating completely. I have often confused New Relationship Energy with Eros, with being “in love.”

Agape: This is the kind of lasting love, a love that is ongoing and comfortable. For me, it is the love that gives me inner peace. It is when I can sit on a sofa with someone for hours while we do our own thing and never needing to say a word. It is when I can make dinner with someone and we both know what we need to do without speaking. It is the kind of love that makes me want to take afternoon walks with a person, see the world with them, and never lose them. It is unconditional and rare.

There are, of course, dozens of ways to categorize and analyze my relationships and my sorts of loving experiences, but these are the kinds of love I experience. One of the greatest difficulties is to recognize and acknowledge these feelings to others. How, for example, did I tell my husband that I never experienced Eros for him? Although in the last few months this has truly been developing; such a wonder to develop the most transient sort of love after ten years! From another angle, how many fuck buddies would really understand that I loved them in the sense of Philia, but not even Eros, especially when we were often so much more than fuck buddies? Most would be confused.

Emotions are complex and we need to explore them for our own mental well-being. What, how, and when we share our feelings should also be for our own mental well-being, and only by being honest with ourselves can we develop this concept.

In the second part of this blog post, I will explore the different types of relationships I have had, and, simple it isn’t!

Something I Love About Myself

One of my tasks on the 101 Things to do in 1001 Days is to finish writing the 30 Days of Truth meme. Now, most of these will never see the light of day because they are too personal and break my heart. But this one, I thought I would post it.

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Day 02 : Something you love about yourself

How not to seem like an arrogant tool? Hmmm, I love myself. I really do. I don’t think I’d love me if I met me, but as far as who I am, I pretty much love me. What do I love best? That is tricky.

I think, if I had to pick one thing, it would be my self-awareness and my knowledge that I’m not perfect and I must constantly work at growing and developing as a person. We all change, people we meet change us, work, small happenstances in the street, major illnesses, the weather, everything. I love the fact that I know this and as a result am constantly questioning and wondering and pushing myself to be the best and the happiest I can be. That makes me better and I think it makes the world a little better. That last bit, about making the world a better place … that is probably the second thing I would say I love about me. I am an idealist and want everyone to be happy. I do whatever I can to help move that along, without sacrificing myself in the process. Happiness is important, and I wish more people would find out what makes them happy and how they can achieve that.

Can I say a third thing I love? Of course I can, it’s my blog. I love my boobs. They’re awesome! Here is a photo of them (in a very ill-fitting bra – the shame!) to prove it.

Truth level: Total, there is nothing here I wouldn’t say to anybody else, quite literally, I can often be seen in conversations grabbing my boobs with pride *grin*


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This was posted for Wicked Wednesday. I missed the prompt totally this week, but never mind. To see more wicked things, whether simple or extravagant, raunchy or subtle, clickety click