But, at heart, I’m a submissive.
Yesterday I felt lost, vulnerable, frustrated, tense, and angry for most of the day. It was for one reason: I had a deep, desperate craving to be spanked, caned, humiliated, used as a toilet, and controlled. I wanted to be made to cry and then given loving aftercare. I still have it today but to a lesser extent. My response has been to deny myself orgasm, to see if I can be my own Dom. But I also thought that maybe if I just burnt or cut myself a little, I could get the same kick. I didn’t try it because I knew it wouldn’t work. It isn’t the act itself, it is about giving myself and giving control over to another person.
I spoke to hubby about it, about what sexual craving and desperation feels like. He felt sorry for me. He looked at me with pity. That made me feel awful, like a sick person who needs help. When I told him that is how I felt for most of the first couple of years of our relationship, he was devastated. Of course, there was nothing he could do about my craving, nor did I want him to. Yesterday I needed a true Dominant to take me in hand.
I emailed my ex-Master, James, (we have gone back to being friends, well, we are trying). Not because I wanted to play with him there and then, but because I thought he would understand. I thought he would be able to listen and say “shit, I’m sorry, wish there was something I could do.” He suggested I find a Dom online. As if! I’m not someone who can give myself over easily. It takes someone very special to make me submit. (Ironically, I find it easier to be a Dom.)
While I crave the physical feelings of being Dominated, it is the psychological, the emotional aspects which I really need. This is a more long-term, intense, lifestyle-type feeling. And this is the very feeling which James ran away from. I have no idea why, I doubt he does, he isn’t one for deep self-reflection. Maybe he was scared of his own Dominance? Maybe he realized he is only a sexual Dom? Maybe he didn’t understand how I could be happily married yet want to have someone control me the hours and days I’m not with my husband? Maybe it was only the physical distance between us? Maybe he just didn’t want me enough?
Do I still want James as my Dom? I don’t know. I trust him less now. I gave myself over to him and I don’t think he knew how to deal with that. But he was the perfect Dom for me for a few months. I would love for him to help me through my cravings, whether just as someone who doesn't think me sick, or as someone who gives me commands when I have cravings. Is that sensible though? Perhaps not. We do seem fairly incapable of just being friends though. We are perhaps the most sexually compatible it is possible for a pair to get. That is hard to let go of at the best of times, and when you have the filthy kinks we have (ones spurned even by much of the BDSM community), that is even harder to say goodbye to. Neither of us seem quite able to do so.
One thing is for sure. I have subby cravings. I have to find ways to manage that without giving up on sex completely (which is what I did for many years) and without impinging negatively on my marriage. If I weren’t so gorram picky, I could find another Dom to help me, but I am, so I’m stuck!
This (sort of) fulfills the “Thirty Days of Kink” prompt “Day 1: Dom, sub, switch? What parts of BDSM interest you? Give us an interesting in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically define your kinky self for us.”